CNN Declares Bankruptcy

“The most trusted name in news” has just been revoked.

For more than 40 years, the Cable News Network has been at the forefront of breaking stories and entertainment.  But as of today, the former ratings powerhouse has conceded it’s bid to shitnetwork Fox as the dominant voice in America.

Fox’s program “The Five” crushed the ratings this past month, a commonplace affair.  What is their secret?  What makes Fox News so attractive?  What does Ruport Murdoch have in common with his audience, you ask?

It’s a pretty simple formula.  Three words.  Horny.  Old.  People.

You see, “The Five” in particular, features four good-looking MILFS in short dresses, sitting around a table, usually with a fairly fat man, (representing the core audience), flirting with him while nattering on with their sheet of talking points crumpled in their bras.  If you’re lucky, there might be two or three upskirts.   Don’t touch that dial!

Every male host on Fox has a female sidekick in Vera Wang to comment and agree.  Did you know Fox pays to have its network played in airports, doctor’s offices, and train stations?  You can’t avoid it.  Don’t rub yourself in public, it’s not polite.

Did CNN really declare bankruptcy?  No, of course not.  They’re still trying to catch up by offering actual smart newscasters and, unfortunately, sinking down to Rupert’s level by featuring opinion shows.

As noted historian Sandra Batt would say, “That’s not the right way to open a Miller Lite.”  Is it?