In a move that shocked absolutely no one but still managed to feel illegal, the Trump Pre-Administration has officially banned both CNN and MSNBC from attending any and all White House press briefings, effective immediately—or as Trump’s newly appointed Deputy Assistant for Stuff, Art Tubolls, put it, “like, retroactively since 2017.”

The decision was delivered via a TikTok dance posted by Trump spokesperson Joe Barron, who hit the gritty while mouthing along to Kid Rock’s “Fake News Anthem” and holding a glittery sign that read, “YOU’RE NOT INVITED.”

White House officials claim the decision was made after “years of flagrant disrespect, hostile questioning, and the continued use of Rachel Maddow’s eyebrows as a threat to national security.”

“Let’s face it,” said Barron while power-walking to a Waffle House, “MSNBC and CNN have done nothing but try to trap the President in logical inconsistencies and ‘reality-based follow-ups.’ That’s not journalism. That’s bullying.”

In their place, the Trump team has invited a new lineup of media outlets to cover press briefings, including:

  • “TruthFunnel.net”
  • “The Daily Freedom Whisperer”
  • “Karen’s Corner (Unfiltered)”
  • And a Facebook page called ‘Patriots Who Know What’s Really Going On 🇺🇸🔥🐸’

Representatives from these new outlets have reportedly agreed to submit questions in advance—most of which are variations of:

  • “How does Trump stay so fit?”
  • “Why is Elon Musk so smart?”
  • “Should we be worried about liberal mind-control beams coming from Trader Joe’s?”

CNN called the ban “an attack on the First Amendment,” while MSNBC simply wept uncontrollably into a branded Rachel Maddow cardigan. Legal scholars, meanwhile, aren’t sure how to proceed, since there is technically no current president and Trump has no official office, but somehow still maintains a working press room in the back of a Mar-a-Lago gift shop.

Tubolls says the decision is final. “We’re moving into a new era,” he announced during an unscheduled press conference held in front of a Bass Pro Shops. “One where the news doesn’t have to be factual—just comforting.”

When asked if any court might overturn the ban, Barron replied, “Sure, if CNN can find a court that’s not run by Soros and Nancy Pelosi’s mailman.”

As for who will benefit from the new, more filtered press access, Tubolls insists it’s “the American people,” especially those who haven’t watched anything but Newsmax since January 6 and think Jim Acosta is a brand of frozen guacamole.

Trump, for his part, simply posted to Truth Social:
“CNN? Never heard of her. MSNBC? Sounds like a disease. Good riddance.”

God Bless America.