Citizen journalist Nick Shirley announced Thursday the formation of a “multi-disciplinary forensic task force” dedicated to investigating the so-called “Clinton Body Bags” list, a catalog of 231 deaths linked to the former First Family over three decades. Shirley, whose previous investigations have uncovered evidence of municipal corruption through public record analysis and private investigation, has assembled a team he describes as “the most qualified independent experts in the field of suspicious mortality pattern recognition.”
The team, operating from a conference room at a Hampton Inn in Little Rock, includes a dental hygienist specializing in “post-mortem X-ray interpretation,” a former vending machine repairman trained in “coincidence detection,” and a commercial pool maintenance technician with expertise in “chemical signature analysis.” Shirley has allocated $47,000 in crowdfunding revenue to purchase equipment including a metal detector, three magnifying glasses, and “unlimited access to Ancestry.com’s death records database.”
“We’re looking for patterns,” said Jeb Narroo, the team’s lead “chronological mortality analyst,” who previously determined that seventeen deaths in his hometown were “statistically improbable” before learning that the town had a nursing home. “Heart attacks. Car accidents. Suicides. All convenient. For Clintons. I’ve seen patterns. In vending machine malfunctions. When the Snickers get stuck. Repeatedly. That’s not random. That’s coordination. By Big Chocolate. Or Big Clinton. Same thing.”
The forensic methodology, according to Reno Borja, the team’s “forensic dental historian,” involves “comparing dental records we don’t have to witness statements that don’t exist.” “It’s science,” Benja explained, adjusting his Hampton Inn name tag. “You look at a death. From 1993. Then another. From 2016. Then you draw a line. Between them. With red string. On a corkboard. That’s proof. Of connection. I’ve done this. With my cousin’s genealogy. Everyone’s related. If you go back far enough. To the Clintons. Obviously.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully identified a body at a Halloween party in 2019 and now serves as the team’s “tactile forensic coordinator,” examined the evidence board. “Fifty-three bags,” Barron declared, gesturing toward a wall covered in printed Wikipedia pages. “That’s specific. Not fifty. Not fifty-five. Fifty-three. Like my ex-wife’s alimony payments. Which I also investigated. For patterns. Of unfairness.”
Barron has contributed his personal collection of “suspicious obituaries” to the investigation, provided Shirley allows him to wear his custom “Body Bag Inspector” trench coat and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “Arkansas-related homicides from the continental breakfast.”
The Clinton Foundation declined to comment on the investigation, prompting Barron to note that “silence is the first stage of confirmation,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of lives cats have, divided by the number of actual forensic qualifications this team possesses, which is zero.”
