Chelsea Clinton, the former First Daughter turned professional Foundation Haver, is facing a bit of a hiccup in her normally smooth public service grift parade: she’s been charged with tax evasion after allegedly cashing $2.5 million in USAID checks addressed to the Clinton Foundation. The problem? She cashed them at a 7-Eleven in Delaware, using a coupon for a free Slurpee and an expired driver’s license from “Friendtopia.”

According to a preliminary report from DOGE, the Department of Governmental Ethics (headed, of course, by Elon Musk’s lesser-known cousin Randy “Fudge” Musk), Clinton may have been skimming funds from a USAID initiative meant to help impoverished mimes in coastal Namibia. The initiative, called “Silent Hope,” was intended to provide invisible boxes and white face paint to underprivileged street performers—but instead, the money somehow ended up in the Clinton Foundation’s “Party Supplies and Personal Enlightenment” account.

Sources inside DOGE say this all came to light after a Dairy Queen assistant manager named Trent, who moonlights as an Uber driver and full-time conspiracy hobbyist, accidentally received one of the checks in his mail slot. “I thought it was a misprint,” Trent told reporters. “It said ‘Deliver to Chelsea Clinton c/o Clinton Foundation, or any Yogurtland.’ I got suspicious.”

Authorities say Clinton deposited the checks using the ancient and completely unreliable “mobile phone ATM scan” method, but instead of a bank app, she used the “DogFace Swap” filter from TikTok and a Sudoku app to input the routing number. It still worked, because apparently, the Federal Government’s banking system is managed by a combination of AOL and hope.

When asked why USAID was sending physical checks to Chelsea Clinton in the first place, a representative replied, “She still had a punch card from the 2009 Haiti fundraiser. Once you reach 10 disasters, you get a $2.5 million bonus.”

Chelsea Clinton’s legal team issued a short statement: “These accusations are baseless, poorly sourced, and beneath the dignity of a nation still pretending to care about ethics in government. Also, Chelsea was under the impression that USAID stood for ‘Unlimited Slushies And Ice Dancers.’”

The Clinton Foundation is pushing back hard, claiming the funds were used for “Clintonian Global Gooding,” a vague initiative focused on “feeling like you did something important while attending galas.” Bill Clinton, when asked if he was aware of the check-cashing incident, responded, “I was told there’d be finger foods,” and walked away humming “I Did It My Way.”

In an unexpected twist, the checks themselves were printed on the back of seasoned tortilla wraps, leading many to question whether the Treasury Department has been infiltrated by Subway Sandwich Artists.

At press time, Chelsea was last seen at a Rite Aid trying to Venmo herself some “foundation-related expenses” while explaining to the cashier that “the IRS is just a suggestion.”

God Bless America.