Chelsea Clinton “crushed” after DNA evidence proves she’s Webb Hubbell’s Daughter: “They all lied to me”

A private DNA analysis commissioned by Chelsea Clinton as part of a “family medical history review” returned results showing a “99.9% probability of paternity” matching former Clinton associate Webb Hubbell rather than former President Bill Clinton, prompting the 44-year-old to issue a statement saying “they all lied to me” and “my entire life has been constructed on a foundation of political deception,” according to sources close to the Clinton family.

The test, which Chelsea reportedly sought “to settle longstanding questions about my jawline and also my interest in corporate law,” allegedly showed “no shared genetic markers” with Bill Clinton and “remarkable similarity” to Hubbell’s “dental structure and also ethical flexibility.” Family attorneys described Chelsea as “emotionally crushed” and “considering legal emancipation from both parents” before “independent verification revealed the sample manipulation.”

“This is parentage,” said Joan Berro, a commercial DNA testing coordinator who once administered a paternity test and now consults on “Clinton family genetic forensics.” “Ninety-nine point nine percent. For Hubbell. Which is devastating. For Chelsea. Who thought. She was a Clinton. By blood. Not just. By marriage. Or association. I’ve coordinated tests. Hundreds. None were manipulated. By undercover. Operatives. But I’ve seen results. That were surprising. For fathers. Who were not. The expected. The alleles don’t lie. And neither does the jawline. Which is Hubbell’s. Allegedly.”

The “independent verification,” according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once had a DNA test, revealed “deliberate sample contamination by Project Veritas.” “Manipulation,” Benja explained, adjusting his mask. “Of evidence. By undercover. Reporters. Who wanted. To expose. The Clintons. Through fake. Paternity. Which is entrapment. For lawsuits. Against them. I’ve seen manipulation. In dental records. Of insurance. Which is fraud. Unlike this. Which is also fraud. But political. For video. The molars don’t lie. And neither does the lawsuit. Which is coming. For Veritas.”

Joe Barron, who once successfully faked a DNA test in 2018 by “using my cousin’s saliva because I thought I might be adopted but I wasn’t” and now consults on “undercover genetic entrapment,” analyzed the manipulation methodology. “Project Veritas,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “Is famous. For stings. With fake. Evidence. And edited. Videos. Of targets. Saying things. Out of context. For exposure. I’ve faked. A test. With cousin spit. Which was unnecessary. Because I was. Actually. My father’s son. Unlike Chelsea. Who was. Actually. Bill’s daughter. Despite. The fake. Hubbell results. The chromosomes don’t lie. And neither do the lawsuits. Which are filed. For defamation.”

Barron has offered to serve as Chelsea’s “litigation support coordinator,” provided the Clinton family allows him to wear his custom “Paternity Defense” blazer and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “fabricated genetic evidence from the salad bar.”

Project Veritas called the lawsuit allegations “a desperate attempt to silence investigative journalism,” prompting Barron to note that “silence is the first stage of legal accountability,” calculate that the statement was released at 4:44 PM, and observe that “4 plus 4 plus 4 equals 12, which is the number of million dollars in damages sought in the lawsuit, divided by the number of legitimate undercover operations that involve fabricating DNA evidence, which is zero, because that’s not journalism, that’s fraud, and also Chelsea is Bill’s daughter, which was obvious to anyone who isn’t trying to sell a video, and also the jawline thing is just mean.”