Spotify Offers Tucker Carlson $129 Million For Exclusive Podcast

Preliminary reports out of Madison, Wisconsin — the home of Spotify USA — say that Tucker Carlson is about to get the biggest payout in history for a series of podcasts.

Spotify plans to offer the recently-released television phenomenon $129 million plus a refurbished studio anywhere he’d like one. “We’ll put a state-of-the-art booth in his house like we did for Joe Rogan,” said Spotify CEO Joe Barron, “Tucker will be just as big. We’re banking on it.”

Carlson’s release from Fox came as a surprise to just about everyone whose last name isn’t “Murdoch.” The billionaire and his son have, apparently, had enough of “covering for Carlson” when they get sued.

“I understand that he’s a huge celebrity and wildly popular,” said Murdoch, “but ultimately, we end up looking kind of silly when we have to admit in court that nobody should take him seriously.”

Indeed, three million people per day took Tucker Carlson seriously, patriots, and that’s just the ones still willing to watch a cable news network. Imagine how popular he’ll be on Spotify?

The best part about these stories is that one of them will inevitably come true. So far, we’ve covered OAN and had Tuckems turn down CNN, because of course he would. After this, we’ll do a thing with Don Lemon and run the table on the networks.

We hope you enjoy it, patriots. God Bless America.