Florida Recycling Offers $5/Pound For Bud Light Cans

As we’ve said many times before, “go woke, go broke” is a big thing.  Just look at woke companies like Nestle’s, Walmart, and Gumnico Inc, after their introduction of “Gummy Gays” candy a year ago.

Well, Florida governor Ron DeSantis has been sitting and stewing all week about what he can do to get in on this wave and maybe get some attention for his flailing attempt at demagoguery.  And he has it.

Starting on April 31st, Florida’s recycling centers will begin giving five dollars a pound out to anyone bringing in Bud Light cans.  They note that the cans must be crushed up properly, have no additional filler thrown in like dog shit or adult diapers, and each can be labeled with the participant’s name, address, and phone number.

DeSantis told reporter Joe Konders that this was the best way he could think of to mortify the woke company into compliance under his plump thumb.

“We will crush the cans into metal messes, and then have their metal made into firearms so that all American schoolchildren remain at high risk.  Higher, even.  See what I’m doing?  I’m pure goddamn evil.”

The offer is expected to actually boost Bud Light sales by 75% across the state, leading to Anheuser-Busch chairman Augustus Anheiser’s pleased congratulatory dancing.