It’s probably not overreach to describe the last couple of months for ailing beer conglomerate Anheuser-Busch as the worst marketing and market rebellion move in American history. After the subtle “transfiguration” of flagship brew “Bud Light”, the company has gone nowhere but down.
Now, the boycott and subsequent Wall Street losses are hitting home in the breweries themselves, as the company announced that nearly 200,000, (two-hundred thousand), of their employees will be laid off next week.
Did you notice the numbers and the spelling out of the number? That got me three extra words in this article. Not to mention this entire paragraph.
I know what you’re thinking. Job losses are no laughing matter, and even though this is a purely satirical article, is joking about them Kosher? We asked rabbinical student Sanders Batt about that one, and boy, were we ever sorry.
“Job losses at Anheuser-Busch have been at an all time high in the conservative mind. It’s like their ‘boycott’ worked because, you know, they saw that video of the fat guy throwing cases on the ground in the Walmart in Kansas. Ha! Conservatives don’t have the brains of a gnat.”
According to absolutely nobody, Bud will begin firing people in the bottle-bottom molding factories first, leading to quite a bit of spillage. From there, it will progress until even the hoo farmers are out of business.
And where will we be then? Right. Drinking Molson Golden.
