WNBA star Brittney Griner has found herself in legal hot water yet again. According to early reports out of Bexar County, Texas, the high-profile athlete was arrested in San Antonio on charges of possession of a Schedule 3 substance and resisting arrest.
The incident occurred just outside a Whole Foods near downtown, where witnesses say Griner was confronted by a group of men who “appeared to know what they were doing” and claimed to have identified a “controlled substance” in her possession. According to the initial police statement, Griner allegedly resisted their attempts to detain her, leading to a brief scuffle in the parking lot before authorities arrived.
“She knew she was caught,” said Joe Barron, a self-declared citizen-patrol specialist and the leader of the trio responsible for the so-called bust. “We were polite at first. We told her she was under citizen’s arrest, and she said something unpatriotic about cilantro. That’s when we knew this was serious.”
Yes. Cilantro.
As it turns out, the “Schedule 3 substance” Griner was allegedly caught with was not anabolic steroids or codeine — but a fresh bunch of organic cilantro she had just picked up for homemade guacamole. She was planning to bring it to a small potluck hosted by a local community center, because believe it or not, sometimes celebrities just want to enjoy taco night in peace.
The three men — Barron, along with his two partners, Art Tubolls and Gary Raper (yes, really) — apparently mistook the leafy green herb for “Mexican leaf cocaine,” which, to be clear, is not a thing. Not only did they get laughed out of the police precinct, but all three are now facing charges of false imprisonment, impersonating law enforcement, and — according to San Antonio PD — being “too stupid to breathe unassisted.”
“Ms. Griner did not commit any crime,” said the real officer on scene. “She was held against her will by three individuals who claim to be part of a neighborhood watch, even though none of them live in Texas. One of them said he was from the ‘Facebook Department of Homeland Liberty.’ That’s not a real thing.”
Griner was released immediately with an apology and a fresh bag of cilantro. She made the guacamole anyway.
As for Barron, Tubolls, and Raper — they’re enjoying a new kind of taco night, courtesy of the Bexar County Jail.
So no, folks, Brittney Griner is not facing prison time. But three patriots from the “I Googled the Constitution Once” school of law might be.
God Bless America.
