Justice Amy Coney Barrett may want to put that gavel on pause and buckle her judicial seatbelt, because according to a new press release that was definitely formatted in Comic Sans, the United Council of Federal Judges (UCFJ) has officially launched an impeachment inquiry into her “inability to separate church, state, and Hobby Lobby.”

The council—which we’re told oversees judicial integrity and “vibes”—claims that Barrett violated the sacred neutrality of the bench by quoting scripture during oral arguments, blessing her own coffee, and attempting to anoint Neil Gorsuch with olive oil before a closed-door deliberation.

The inquiry is reportedly the first step in what could become the removal of a sitting Supreme Court Justice—if you believe everything you read on a flier left in the Starbucks at Union Station.

“Justice Barrett has consistently failed to recuse herself in cases where her religious convictions directly affect her judicial reasoning,” said UCFJ spokesperson Art Tubolls, who listed his credentials as “Bar-certified in Texas Hold ’Em and also law probably.” Tubolls spoke to reporters outside what appeared to be a Little Caesars, because “the conference room at the Marriott was double-booked for a ‘J6 Support Group Potluck.’”

When asked for specifics, Tubolls pointed to “Case #420-FED-GOD,” a supposedly sealed case in which Barrett allegedly tried to rule that communion wafers qualify as a tax-exempt agricultural subsidy. The council says that’s just the tip of the doctrinal iceberg.

The probe comes on the heels of other “serious” findings, such as the revelation that Barrett still uses a Motorola Razr flip phone and once turned down a case because the title “sounded too liberal.” It was California v. Plastic Bags.

House Republicans are, naturally, livid.

Speaker Mike Johnson called the move “a direct attack on American values, the nuclear family, and those little fish symbols on SUVs.” Marjorie Taylor Greene vowed to retaliate with her own impeachment inquiry—into “whoever decided Supreme Court Justices don’t wear red hats.”

But in a bizarre twist, it turns out the United Council of Federal Judges…doesn’t exist.

According to court administration officials, there is no such body, entity, or legal organization registered under that name. In fact, it turns out the whole thing was a very elaborate prank originating from a conference room printer in Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s office.

A staffer—who refused to identify themselves but was clearly Joe Barron in a fake mustache—admitted to leaking the prank memo after overhearing Barrett refer to The Handmaid’s Tale as “a how-to guide.”

“We honestly didn’t think it would go this far,” said Barron, giggling. “We were just trying to see if we could get Fox News to call her the victim of a witch hunt again.”

As of press time, Barrett has not commented, though sources say she was last seen Googling “Can a judge sue for emotional distress?”

God Bless America.