All-Female ‘Bonanza’ Reboot to Premiere in May on NBC

Yellowstone.  1923.  1888.  These are some of the most popular television shows competing for our attention today, and they all have one thing in common: the Ranch lifestyle.

Well, NBC has recently realized that it also has a Ranch drama, one with years of credibility and class: “Bonanza.” The heartwarming tale of Ben Cartwright, and his sons Little Joe, Adam, and “Hoss”, who caretake the place and get into scrapes here and there that may call for “frontier justice.”

On May 5th of this year, NBC is bringing back Nevada’s Ponderosa ranch, with all new tales of the Cartwrights.  The next generation, that is.

Set in the modern day, the new Bonanza will follow the adventures of great granddaughters Little Mabel, Chelsea, and Sandra “Batt” Cartwright as the new owners/operators of the Ponderosa Steakhouse, now the biggest side-business of the ranch’s property.  The rough and tumble ladies are advertised as: “Confident in their femininity, and taking no guff.”

Playing the lead, Andrea (Pronounced Ahh-ndray-uh) Cartwright is award-winning actress Whoopi Goldberg, who acts as manager and meat-cutting maven of the place.

Following in her stead are the daughters played by the Wedding Singer’s Drew Barrymore, Harry Potter’s Emma Watson, and transsexual thespian Laverne Cox.  Rounding out the cast is the only male, Ponderosa chef David Spade.

Will the women of Bonanza be able to compete with the evil new Outback chain creeping up on their land?  Is cous-cous an acceptable side-dish nowadays?  And what of Mr. Pibb?  Is that shit Dr. Pepper light, or what?  Find out in May.  Bring your cowboy hat.  Yee haw!