Presidential candidate Joe Biden is already leading in election polls by double digits, and he hasn’t even revealed his running mate yet. But his campaign has started rolling out a series of commercial ads slamming *President Trump for failing the country with his pandemic response, destroying the economy that Barack Obama had put back on track after a Republican crash, and and engaging in several avenues of criminal behavior. But now, his newest ad aims for the heart of voters in white Christian America.
With a legion of fans millions strong decades after his unfortunate death, Elvis Presley is an American icon. Nothing says “freedom” like blasting “Hound Dog” from a garage hi-fi while you’re changing the oil on that Dodge Charger. Biden is using the King’s status as a registered Democrat as culture war ammunition to change hearts and minds away from the morbidly obese and idiotic towards the svelte and clear-headed.
Sandy Batt of the Graceland Museum and Horny for Presley society explained why the King of Rock and Roll was an ardent leftist.
“Well, it just makes sense, even all the way up until today. Rock and Roll isn’t for trumpers or moron republicans. In fact, in his day, they were the tight-assed mamby-pamby pussies who cried when Elvis shook his hips. Any musician with any talent is a Democrat, no mistake, and it’s always been that way. Think about it. Name a conservative Republican artist. Kid Rock? Charlie goddamn Daniels? Phil Collins? They’re all laughable old has-been one-hit-wonders. Elvis, the Beatles, Rush, the Stones, Skillet? All lefties. It’s why shitsticks like Trump have to use crap from the soundtrack to that Kelsey Grammar movie ‘Up Periscope’ for their campaigns. Because they’re about as cool and hip as Metallica after 1988.”
Experts on Tennessee legal documents have confirmed the validity of the registration documents and agree that Presley was definitely a proud liberal. After all – you don’t get to be the King of Rock and Roll by being a backwards ass douchepatty.
*impeached
Hello. I am Joe Biden. I actually talked with the ghost of Elvis Presley before I wrote this comment, but he kept asking for “Krabby Pattys” and “A free copy of all of my albums, dangit!”. I could understand that first message, but I’m still confused about the second one. Please help me understand the second one, or else you will get 500 years in prison with a side of fries.