In what can only be described as the scandal of the century, shocking reports have emerged revealing that every single member of Joe Biden’s family had debit cards directly linked to his White House expense account. That’s right—Hunter, Jill, Ashley, even the family dog Commander (before he was exiled for biting one too many Secret Service agents). All of them had access to taxpayer money, and they used it.
According to top-level Republican investigators—who have been working tirelessly to uncover this brazen abuse of power—the total amount spent by the Biden family over four years in office came to a staggering… $11.96.
What Did They Spend It On?
That’s the big question, and sources say the spending was outrageous. Documents reveal that one purchase was made at a 7-Eleven in Delaware, raising serious concerns about whether Joe Biden was personally raiding taxpayer funds to buy a Big Gulp.
“We believe this money may have gone toward a pack of gum, or possibly a single hot dog,” said Special Investigator Joe Barron, who was pulled from retirement specifically for this case. “The American people deserve to know if their president is living large on their dime.”
More shockingly, another purchase was flagged at a Washington, D.C., Metro station, where $2.50 mysteriously disappeared from the account—an amount exactly equal to the cost of a subway fare.
“We have to ask ourselves: Was a member of the Biden family using taxpayer dollars to ride public transportation? And if so, why weren’t they using a limo like a proper elite?” said Art Tubolls, an anonymous whistleblower who is also strangely listed on payroll at the Oversight Committee.
Where’s the Outrage?
Despite the damning evidence, liberal media outlets have refused to report on this egregious misuse of funds. Fox News and Newsmax, however, have devoted extensive coverage, with experts estimating that if Biden had remained in office for another term, that spending could have ballooned to as much as $23.92.
“This is exactly the kind of corruption that needs to be rooted out,” said one totally real and credible House Republican, furiously waving a printed bank statement in front of cameras. “Americans are struggling, and the Bidens are out here swiping taxpayer-funded debit cards like it’s Black Friday.”
A Pattern of Abuse
Of course, this isn’t the first time Biden has been accused of reckless government spending. Who could forget the $15 he spent at a Baskin-Robbins in 2022—a move that sparked outrage from fiscal conservatives, who demanded an immediate audit into whether he really needed two scoops.
“This is what happens when you let big government run wild,” said a guy on Facebook with an eagle avatar, who we assume is also an expert on economic policy.
The Next Steps
Republicans have vowed to launch a full-scale investigation into this spending with committee hearings, subpoenaed records, and possibly even a primetime Fox special hosted by Tucker Carlson’s ghost.
“We need to find out where every penny went,” said Barron. “Even if we have to spend millions of taxpayer dollars to do it.”
Stay tuned as this scandal unfolds, and as investigators work around the clock to determine whether America’s taxpayer dollars really did fund a half-eaten granola bar in the White House breakroom.
God Bless America.
