In what experts are calling the boldest example of “Oops, our bad” in American fiscal history, the Biden Administration has reportedly misplaced 16 solid gold bricks worth more than $30 million after transferring them from Fort Knox to what White House officials are calling “a secure location.” That secure location, according to sources, was “somewhere between Kentucky and ‘Oh no.’”

The Department of the Treasury, clearly working overtime to inspire confidence in the American taxpayer, confirmed that the bricks were placed in an armored vehicle operated by a government-contracted firm called Budget Beast Armored Logistics — a company owned and operated by Art Tubolls, a man who once tried to open a gas station inside a laser tag arena.

Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen attempted to explain the mix-up during a press conference while sipping chamomile tea through a crazy straw. “We’re confident the gold is merely…uh…in transit,” she said, blinking in Morse code for “Help me.” She went on to assure Americans that the situation was “no different than a late Amazon delivery, except this one might accidentally fund a small dictatorship.”

A White House staffer, speaking anonymously from the back of a Costco parking lot, said President Biden was told of the missing bullion during his afternoon warm tapioca briefing. “He thought we said ‘golden retrievers’ were missing and spent 20 minutes telling us about his boyhood dog, Flaps.”

Meanwhile, an internal DOGE memo obtained through a somewhat-legitimate request (we asked a guy who used to clean the vents at the Pentagon) suggests the gold was last tracked to a loading dock in Scranton, Pennsylvania, before the GPS signal was replaced by the words “¯\(ツ)/¯” on the manifest.

Elon Musk posted a vague tweet in response: “Gold is just heavy crypto.” It received 7 million likes and started a 9-hour Twitter war with Cher.

To make matters worse, White House Press Secretary Joe Barron attempted to calm the public, insisting, “This kind of thing happens all the time. Just last year, we lost four crates of enriched uranium and three full congressmen. Nobody panicked.”

Further investigations by Newsmax’s top part-time investigator — Denise, a bowling alley waitress who once dated a guy whose cousin worked security at Fort Knox — claim that the gold may have actually been sent to a “recycling center” in Delaware that also serves as a seafood buffet and laundromat.

As for accountability, the Biden administration has appointed a special task force to “look into it,” chaired by none other than Hunter Biden, who was last seen on eBay searching for “gold-looking bricks (mint condition).”

Rest assured, America. If history tells us anything, it’s that when the government loses $30 million worth of gold, they’ll eventually find a way to blame it on Donald Trump, the supply chain, or an intern named Cody who “just needed some walking-around money.”

God Bless America.