Biden Denies Trump’s Application for Burial at Arlington National Cemetery

The Office of Veterans Affairs, at the direction of President Joe Biden, has formally declined former President Donald Trump’s request for burial at the hallowed Arlington National Cemetery. Director of Burials, Cremations, and Bereavement Food, Joe Barron, told ALLOD that the list of reasons for the snub is long.

“They don’t think someone who tried to usurp the government should be allowed in,” said Barron, “but that’s not enough since they’d have to be able to prove that. So they gave a list of absurd reasons like “possible treason” and “ongoing FBI investigations. Ultimately, all of those will be solved and they’ll have to let him in.”

According to White House Director of Information and Propaganda, Art Tubolls, those issues still don’t technically disqualify him. It was the “unreasonable nature” of Trump’s request that they had to decline. “He wants the cemetery to move Kennedy so he’s what you see when you’re coming over the bridge. Kennedy. He wants us to move Kennedy.”

Trump spokesman Sandy Batt said the request wasn’t at all unreasonable, since Kennedy was a Democrat and nobody really likes them anymore. “The hill would look proper with a couple of giant Trump flags. What else would you want to see looking out over the city he loves so dearly?”

For now, Trump’s final resting place is more likely at the 9th hole of Bedminster, a much nicer spot than he set aside for Ivana.