Beyonce Cancels Her “Country” Tour After One Show: “We Couldn’t Give Those Tickets Away”

Beyonce Knowles has had a very blessed life. She has a family and an impressive career that’s earned her more Grammys than anyone else on the planet.

Unfortunately, that success didn’t bleed over when she tried her hand at being a country star. After just one show before a crowd of a few hundred die-hard fans, Beyonce has already called it quits.

“She tried too hard,” said Tour Producer Joe Barron, “I told her that borrowing the music from Franklin would backfire, but she wouldn’t listen. She was all ‘I’ts just country, Joe. Nobody cares about the music as long as it has a beat you can line dance to.’ I told her she was wrong but she wanted to learn the hard way.”

And learn the hard way she did. Knowles will now have to pay each of the 194 venues a cancellation fee, plus she’ll lose the deposits on all the catering, which is likely to be in the millions. “I don’t even want to talk about the check to the porta-a-potty company,” said Barron.

“She probably should have taken some notes from my attempt to join the rock scene,” said Garth Brooks, “It didn’t work out and in the end, I just looked kinda silly.”

Brooks says he sent Beyonce a note encouraging her to stick to her world because country is “a cut-throat business of hacks singing twanged-out pop songs so they can open a bar in Nashville.”

Our fact-checkers were able to confirm Garth’s claims of both the line-dancing phenomena and the number of hacks singing about pickup trucks. God Bless America.