In what can only be described as the worst product placement in Nike history since Colin Kaepernick’s “Just Kneel” campaign, a high-end racing yacht sponsored by the sneaker giant was boarded by the U.S. Coast Guard on Lake Superior Thursday morning. On board: a suspicious amount of muscle milk, three crates labeled “organic bath salts,” and Matthew Ocasio-Cortez—yes, that Ocasio-Cortez—who just happens to be the brother of Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

According to Vice Admiral Joe Barron, the Coast Guard acted on “credible information of a drug buy” and had absolutely no idea there would be a member of the Ocasio-Cortez family aboard. “We were expecting some amateur traffickers, not someone with a 23andMe link to Congress.”

What they found, in addition to an alarming amount of oat milk and Patagonia vests, was $1.2 million worth of fentanyl, stored in air-tight Nike-branded containers and labeled “Performance Powder.” You know—just in case the team needed an extra boost during the regatta.

Matthew Ocasio-Cortez was taken into custody without incident and booked at the federal holding facility in Green Bay, where he reportedly asked for oat milk with his vegan gruel and demanded a cruelty-free mattress. Charges include criminal conspiracy and trafficking of a class 1 controlled substance, which—despite what MSNBC might tell you—is still a felony.

When reached for comment, Congresswoman AOC said, “I don’t even have a brother named Matthew,” which is weird, because we found an old tweet from 2013 where she wished him a happy birthday. Probably just a coincidence. Maybe she meant a different Matthew. Happens all the time.

According to court documents that may or may not exist outside of this article, Matthew’s defense claims the drugs were planted, that he thought the containers were filled with “eco-friendly soap flakes,” and that the whole incident was “probably just the work of white supremacists trying to discredit a powerful Latinx family.”

But here’s the kicker: Nike is refusing to comment, citing ongoing legal proceedings and claiming that the yacht in question was “not officially sanctioned,” even though it was literally named “The Air Force Juan.”

If you’re wondering how an Ocasio-Cortez ended up on a boat with $1.2 million in fentanyl, don’t bother asking CNN. They’re currently running a 9-part documentary about Marjorie Taylor Greene’s “suspicious” gym membership.

Meanwhile, DOGE (Department of Governmental Ethics) has reportedly started combing through AOC’s financials, just in case she used campaign funds to buy her brother a boat. Or a yacht captain. Or three tubs of “vegan anti-scurvy paste,” which was also found on board.

As of now, Matthew is facing up to 20 years in prison. Or a spot on The View, depending on how the plea deal goes.

God Bless America.