Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is retiring.  Not only is it a watershed moment in United States history when one of the most popular and visible Speakers ends her reign, but it’s also a time for new beginnings.

For instance, Dr. Oz is heading to the microwave station at Arbys.

Many times when they retire, government employees accept lobbying positions or low-level ambassadorships.  Not Nancy.  Thanks to her friendship with former CEO of Verizon and Sprint, Joseph Barron, she’s accepting a position as Chief Operating Officer at AT&T Communications.

Pelosi’s government work will be invaluable at the trade says longtime spokesperson and apple-faced slamdancer John Guluv.

“I’m certain she’s listened in on millions of conversations in the past.  She’s also an excellent public speaker and hockey goalie.  We need one of those for the big game this next season with Metro.”

Pelosi will receive a starting bonus of eight million dollars for the job, with a continuing salary of nearly twenty two million per year.  That’s no small potatoes.

“I simply cannot wait for this job, where I won’t have to deal with republicans or goddamn orange moron Trump, or any of that nonsense,” Pelosi beamed.

“If one of those retarded ass Trumpers calls in with some kind of problem, I can just raspberry through the receiver and hang up.”


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