In what can only be described as a national security crisis of the highest order, former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi has announced that The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg will be investigated and indicted for hacking into a highly classified government chat system.
The shocking revelation comes as part of Bondi’s ongoing mission to ensure that justice is served, or at the very least, to get her name back in the headlines. According to Bondi, Goldberg was caught red-handed accessing sensitive government communications, stealing crucial information, and possibly even committing treason.
The Hack of the Century
The alleged breach occurred late last week when Goldberg, a journalist known for writing things that make Trump supporters angry, somehow gained unauthorized access to a secure Defense Department chatroom. Bondi claims that this was no accident.
“This was a deliberate and malicious cyberattack,” Bondi stated during an emergency press conference held in the parking lot of a Golden Corral. “Goldberg used highly sophisticated hacking techniques to infiltrate a system designed to protect our nation’s most sensitive military secrets.”
As for how Goldberg managed to bypass government security, further investigation has revealed that the password for the chat was ‘12345.’
That’s right. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Meet the Man Responsible: Pete Hegseth
In a shocking—but completely predictable—twist, the Department of Defense’s cybersecurity infrastructure was entrusted to none other than Secretary Pete Hegseth, a man whose qualifications include eating pancakes on Fox & Friends and yelling about socialism.
Hegseth, in a prepared statement, admitted that yes, the password was indeed 12345, but assured the American people that this is actually a very secure combination because, and we quote, “no one would ever guess something so obvious.”
When pressed on why the password to a classified military chat was the same as the one on his luggage, Hegseth became visibly flustered and responded, “Next question.”
What’s Next?
Bondi has vowed to launch an immediate investigation into how Goldberg pulled off this massive cybercrime, but so far, sources close to the case say it looks like he just typed in the password on his first try.
Despite the apparent lack of effort required to breach the system, Bondi insists that Goldberg will be fully prosecuted under the harshest possible laws, and that this case could go all the way to the Supreme Court.
Goldberg, for his part, has denied all wrongdoing, explaining that he simply received an unsolicited message from someone in the chatroom and clicked the link. At this time, it is unclear whether Bondi understands how the internet works.
Meanwhile, Pete Hegseth has reportedly updated all of his government passwords to something far more secure: “password123.”
God Bless America.
