In what the right-wing media is calling a “devastating betrayal,” former President Joe Biden is reportedly “beside himself with grief” after learning that his daughter, Ashley Biden, plans to release a tell-all memoir detailing her “grooming experience” growing up — specifically referencing those now-infamous diary entries about taking showers with her father.
The far-right was so excited by the news they nearly forgot to be mad at Taylor Swift for not endorsing Trump. “This is the smoking gun,” said nobody credible. “Ashley finally breaks her silence. The Biden Crime Family is DONE.”
“Ashley felt that the story needed to come out,” said her alleged literary agent, Joe Barron, a man whose credentials include writing Yelp reviews of Olive Gardens and once saying the phrase “I read a book once.” “This book isn’t about the money. It’s about the truth.”
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the truth: There is no book.
There’s no publisher, no manuscript, and Ashley Biden has not written so much as a Post-it note about her dad, let alone a 300-page memoir. The claim that she’s publishing a tell-all is about as real as Donald Trump’s workout routine. The whole thing is a fabrication circulating on the exact same Facebook pages that still believe the Pope was arrested by Seal Team 6 and that JFK Jr. is alive and running a smoothie shop in Tulsa.
As for the diary? Right-wing operatives claimed to have “found” it in what they described as “a box under a mattress next to some loose change and a MAGA hat.” Let’s just say the chain of custody wasn’t exactly textbook. It’s been passed around more than Rudy Giuliani’s bar tab, and somehow keeps getting more dramatic with each retelling. One version includes a chapter on Joe Biden learning kung fu in China. Not kidding.
So, no — Joe Biden isn’t wandering around his Delaware basement sobbing into a box of tissues. In fact, former President Biden has been spending his retirement watching Matlock, eating ice cream, and avoiding Fox News the way Trump avoids subpoenas. According to close aides, he laughed when he heard about the “memoir,” saying, “Come on, man. I raised my kids better than to ghostwrite QAnon fanfic.”
But that didn’t stop the outrage machine. Marjorie Taylor Greene has already announced plans to open an investigation, Jim Jordan is preparing to sweat profusely on live television about it, and Mike Lindell says he found Ashley’s manuscript hidden under 300,000 bamboo ballots.
Meanwhile, Ashley is reportedly unaware of the entire ordeal, because unlike her critics, she has an actual life.
But sure, let’s pretend she’s secretly penning the next Watergate from the corner of a dark café, just so a few angry boomers can post in all caps on Facebook.
God Bless America.