It’s the holiday season again, folks! Bells are ringing, menorahs are flaming, and the sacred Rubik’s Cubes of Kwanzaa are already randomized for the coming feast of B’Phompa. Magic is in the air.
The Magic will be suitably targeted by Kyle Rittenhouse and shot for safety purposes.
Part of the celebratory nature of the season is New York’s traditional Christmas parade, a spectacle to behold live and on television by thousands of super bored viewers who have nothing better to do since binging the second part of “Tiger King” in one day last week.
The parade famously carries a lot of heavy hitters. Giant inflated likenesses of Garfield the Cat, Sandy the Batt, Steve the Rat, and this year’s big star, “It”, Stephen King’s delightful circus pal. And in the lead vehicle? None other than congressional representative and adorable elfin wet dream, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez herself.
Having never been to the city, and having no knowledge of it’s layout, it’s safe to assume that the parade will begin at the corner of first and Queeferton streets, continue down the Empire parkway, and finally finish thirteen hours later in Hoboken, New Jersey. Ocasio-Cortez will exit the vehicle just after the procession halts at JoAnne Fabrics on the East Side.
While still part of the festivities, the Littlest Legislator will be giving a speech, a portion of which we’ve placed below after stealing it from a drunken and passed-out Brinks truck driver.
“Oh my God, you guys, it’s Christmas! Is that the bomb diggity or what? I see a lot of happy Jews out there doing the matzo shots too! Happy Hebrew holidays to all of you! I totally love you guys! Make sure you all get vaccinated! How’s my hair look? Bye-ee!”
You know, against mah own politics, ah like that girly. Reminds me of mah sister’s mouth.
The After-parade celebration is still being planned for a six o’clock start time in the rear banquet faciilities at Spago’s. No guests without facemasks will be allowed. No pets. Please bring your own liquor.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
