Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s family is once again in the spotlight, and not for winning any “Most Humble Public Servant” awards. According to a viral Facebook post from someone named Carol who used to babysit a guy who once dated an Uber driver in D.C., AOC’s brother is now facing federal charges for allegedly defrauding the Paycheck Protection Program for a whopping $4.7 million.
The Department of Government Expenditures (DOGE) is reportedly hot on the trail after a whistleblower came forward—identified only as Joe Barron—who says he overheard someone at a Bronx laundromat talking about AOC’s brother filing dozens of fake PPP applications during the pandemic. “He did it all through a fake landscaping company called Progressive Grassroots Sod & Mulch,” said Barron. “They claimed to have 84 employees and a goat.”
According to official-sounding people close to the situation (read: a guy named Art Tubolls who sells tacos near the Capitol), the $4.7 million in question was used to purchase a Tesla Model X, four NFT monkeys, a small island off the coast of Maine, and a lifetime supply of oat milk. All, allegedly.
Republican lawmakers are demanding answers. “If this is true—and let’s be honest, it feels true—then this could be the biggest scandal since Hunter Biden’s laptop,” said Rep. Lauren Boebert while aggressively vaping through a House Oversight hearing. “The American people deserve to know if this socialist dynasty is funneling money into oat milk empires while hardworking folks in Colorado can barely afford ammunition and camouflage onesies.”
AOC, for her part, has denied the allegations, stating publicly, “I don’t even have a brother.” That didn’t stop conservative media outlets from running headlines like “AOC’s Imaginary Brother Steals Real American Dollars.”
DOGE briefly issued a statement clarifying that there is “no verifiable record of AOC having a brother, let alone one under investigation,” but later walked it back after realizing the internet had already taken it as gospel truth. “At this point,” said a DOGE spokesperson, “what matters isn’t whether it happened—it’s whether enough people share the meme.”
Legal experts say that while the story is completely unfounded, made-up, and based solely on hearsay from unreliable sources with names like Joe Barron and Art Tubolls, the fact that it’s on Facebook means it now qualifies as “common knowledge.”
“That’s just how facts work now,” said legal scholar Dr. Sandy Truther. “If someone tweets it, posts it to Reddit, and edits it into a Wikipedia article at least once, it’s basically part of the public record. You can’t not believe it.”
As of press time, the nonexistent brother had not returned requests for comment, mostly because he doesn’t exist.
God Bless America. And Facebook.
