In what could become the most shocking scandal involving financial crimes and a sitting Congresswoman since Nancy Pelosi’s husband “accidentally” bought $5 million in microchips two hours before a tech bill dropped, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-Definitely Not Brooklyn) is reportedly under investigation by New York State authorities for tax evasion tied to a mysterious $22 million stock market windfall.
The case, spearheaded by Acting Chief Tax Auditor Art Tubolls, alleges that AOC may have omitted large portions of income from her federal and state tax returns over the course of five years. That income, Tubolls says, came from a combination of day trading, short selling, and a suspiciously well-timed investment in a vegan candle startup called “Wick’d.”
“There’s just no way someone goes from bartending in the Bronx to millionaire playgirl socialist without a few turbo-charged Robinhood trades,” Tubolls told reporters. “Unless, of course, she’s receiving high-level briefings on market swings during closed-door congressional sessions. But that would be insider trading, and we all know only Republicans do that.”
According to one document that may or may not exist, AOC has seen her net worth balloon from a reported $7,000 in student loan debt in 2018 to $22 million in “highly diversified financial assets” by late 2023, including holdings in green energy, pharmaceutical startups, and a struggling Marxist-themed NFT collection.
However, in the third paragraph of this expose—because this is where we do that sort of thing—it’s worth noting that literally none of this appears to be true.
The “investigation” seems to stem from a thread on a Facebook group called “True Patriots 4 Trump 2: Electric Boogaloo,” where a guy named Lance claimed his cousin’s barber’s Uber driver used to work at Merrill Lynch and “heard something.”
That same thread includes posts alleging that AOC is secretly dating Hunter Biden, owns a private island next to Jeff Bezos, and once kicked a bald eagle for not recycling. None of those things have been verified. Except maybe the recycling. She’s intense about that.
Still, that hasn’t stopped the internet from running wild with the story. Memes of AOC riding a stock chart like a cowboy are now trending under the hashtag #SocialistStockQueen and Fox News ran a 14-minute segment titled: “AOC’s Money Trail: From Margaritas to Millions.”
For her part, AOC responded to the allegations with a single post on X, formerly Twitter:
“I still live in the same tiny DC apartment, own no stocks, and I just Venmo’d my half of brunch. But ok.”
As always, now that it’s been posted on at least two blogs and three Reddit forums, the rumor has achieved its final form:
Undeniable Internet Fact.
God Bless America.
