What began as another round of Washington gossip has reportedly evolved into a full-blown congressional inquiry after rumors surrounding Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Senator Cory Booker prompted the bipartisan Congressional Committee on Rules and Decorum to schedule public testimony from both lawmakers.
According to committee members, the investigation has nothing to do with anyone’s personal life.
“We honestly don’t care about their personal relationship,” explained Congressman Joseph Barron (R-ID) outside the Capitol. “They’re adults. They can have dinner together, go to concerts, exchange Hallmark cards, whatever. The committee has exactly one question: How much, if anything, was billed to the American taxpayer?”
Barron said investigators have requested travel vouchers, meal reimbursements, expense reports, mileage claims, and any paperwork containing the phrase “official congressional business.”
“If taxpayers bought so much as one mozzarella stick,” he added, “we intend to know about it.”
Congressional staffers described the records request as “aggressively thorough.”
One aide claimed investigators had requested receipts going back so far that a government archivist asked whether carbon paper was still considered a protected historical document.
But, as always, the most interesting details came from people who had absolutely nothing to do with politics.
Frank, a union plumber who spent two days repairing pipes beneath the Capitol, said he accidentally overheard a conversation through an air vent.
“I wasn’t trying to listen,” Frank insisted. “Sound just travels.”
According to Frank, two staffers spent nearly twenty minutes debating whether ordering dessert during an official dinner required a separate reimbursement code.
“I’ve fixed leaking pipes for thirty years,” he said. “I’ve never seen anybody panic over cheesecake like that.”
Meanwhile, Gloria, who drives a laundry truck that services several federal buildings, said congressional employees often forget ordinary working people are standing nearby.
“They’ll be talking in the loading dock like nobody else exists,” she laughed. “Last week somebody asked if bottled sparkling water counted as an emergency legislative expense.”
“I nearly dropped a cart full of table linens.”
Then there was Pete, the overnight vending machine technician.
Pete says he was replacing a jammed snack dispenser when he watched three congressional aides spend fifteen minutes trying to determine whether peanut M&M’s qualified as “working meals.”
“I fixed the machine before they reached a conclusion,” Pete said. “I still don’t know who won.”
The committee’s biggest break allegedly came from Rita, a rideshare driver who unknowingly transported several Capitol staffers after an evening fundraiser.
“They assumed I had the radio up too loud,” Rita recalled. “I actually heard every word.”
“They spent the entire ride arguing over who forgot to submit an expense form for something called a ‘strategic coffee summit.'”
Congressman Barron cautioned reporters not to jump to conclusions.
“This committee deals in facts,” he said. “If everything checks out, we’ll close the investigation.”
He paused.
“But if somebody expensed matching monogrammed bathrobes under ‘constituent outreach,’ we’re probably going to have a few follow-up questions.”
Neither Representative Ocasio-Cortez nor Senator Booker responded to repeated requests for comment.
A Capitol groundskeeper watering flower beds nearby looked up from his hose and shrugged.
“I don’t know whether they’re dating,” he said. “But if Congress investigated the budget with half the enthusiasm they investigate rumors, we’d probably balance it by Tuesday.”
God Bless America.
