The long, frothy downfall of Bud Light has finally hit rock bottom, and it smells faintly of citrus seltzer and poor marketing decisions. According to a post circulating on the internet—and therefore probably true—Anheuser-Busch has officially shuttered its flagship St. Louis brewery after more than two years of declining sales.
“The poor decisions of one DEI executive ended up costing us the most lucrative brand we’ve ever sold,” said Marketing Director Joe Barron, as he quietly packed a cardboard box filled with office memorabilia, a signed can of Bud Dry, and a “Let’s Go Brandon” coffee mug. “And now it’s costing 537 Americans their jobs. All because we tried to sell beer to people who don’t even own pickup trucks.”
The executive in question, whose name has been redacted in certain circles to avoid spontaneous bar brawls, famously greenlit a marketing campaign involving a social media influencer who was neither a NASCAR fan nor a licensed taxidermist. The internet exploded. Cases of Bud Light were dumped, boycotted, or—perhaps the worst fate of all—replaced with Coors.
“It was the single worst case of ‘go woke, go broke’ in modern beer history,” Barron continued. “You just don’t alienate your customer base like that. These people drink Bud Light to forget the world is changing, not celebrate it.”
Critics say the backlash was overblown, but those critics probably also eat Impossible burgers and live in cities with more than one Whole Foods. Real Americans—ones with freezer chests full of deer meat and at least one patriotic tattoo—knew something fishy was up the moment Bud Light started talking about “diversity.”
Employees at the St. Louis plant were reportedly given severance packages that included a two-week paycheck, a complimentary corn hole set, and a six-pack of Bud Light Platinum nobody wanted. “It’s like being fired and insulted,” said former bottle technician Art Tubolls. “This is why I stick to bourbon. You never see Jack Daniels in a rainbow tux.”
The company says it will try to “regain trust” by returning to its roots: producing commercials featuring burly men, talking frogs, and horses that know the national anthem. “That’s what America wants,” said spokesperson Sandy Batt. “Beer with a side of predictable masculinity.”
In a final twist, a few liberal outlets tried to fact-check the brewery closure, claiming the St. Louis plant is still open and operating just fine. But we all know how that works: just because official records and basic reality say something doesn’t mean it’s true.
As for us? We found the story on the internet, so we’re gonna go ahead and assume it’s 100 percent accurate. After all, that’s where we get all our news—between updates from “PatriotsOnly420.biz” and meme screenshots from a guy named “TruckDaddy_USA.”
God Bless America. And RIP Bud Light. You were woke, and then you were broke. Let that be a lesson to anyone who thinks marketing beer is the right time for a social experiment.
