LOS ANGELES, CA – In what is being called the most bizarre celebrity scandal since someone tried to sell the Hollywood sign on Craigslist, actress and activist Alyssa Milano has been busted for allegedly attempting to rent a hitman for the weekend. Authorities say she was not planning a crime, but rather was under the impression that professional assassins could be rented like Airbnb vacation homes.
A Booking Gone Wrong
According to sources, Milano was arrested after she allegedly visited a website titled “Rent-A-Hitman.com”, a satirical site that has been responsible for catching several clueless criminals in the past. The actress reportedly filled out the inquiry form, listing her preferred dates, target specifications, and whether she wanted an “eco-friendly” hit job to minimize her carbon footprint.
“She even checked the box for ‘discreet service with a satisfaction guarantee,’” said an LAPD officer. “Honestly, we thought it was a prank, but then she asked if she could add an extra day to ‘make it a long weekend.’”
Milano’s Confusion: A Simple Misunderstanding?
While her lawyer insists the situation is being blown out of proportion, Milano has claimed that she simply misunderstood the service being offered.
“I thought it was like TaskRabbit, but for action-movie stuff—like if you need someone to pretend to be a spy for your next influencer event,” Milano explained. “How was I supposed to know it was a real thing?”
Investigators, however, say the evidence against her is “extremely concerning.” According to police reports, Milano allegedly requested a “weekend package deal” and attempted to use a promo code from a podcast she listens to.
“She asked if she could pay in installments and even wanted to know if they had a unionized workforce,” said a detective. “At one point, she asked if she could book a ‘family-friendly’ hitman in case she brought her kids. That’s when we knew she had no clue what she was doing.”
Hollywood Reacts
Milano’s arrest has sent shockwaves through Hollywood, with celebrities offering mixed reactions.
- Rosie O’Donnell tweeted: “This is why we need better funding for public education.”
- Sean Penn released a statement saying he would personally investigate the situation but first needed a “cigarette and a long stare into the abyss.”
- Chris Pratt simply tweeted, “LOL.”
Meanwhile, the producers of “Dancing with the Stars” have reportedly reached out to Milano’s representatives, suggesting she would be a great addition to next season’s cast, assuming she avoids jail time.
What’s Next for Milano?
Currently, Milano has been released on bail and has vowed to use this experience to “raise awareness about misleading online services.” She is now pushing for legislation requiring disclaimers on all satirical websites so that “celebrities don’t accidentally incriminate themselves.”
At press time, Milano was spotted browsing an online sword-fighting academy, asking if she could “hire a ninja for a party.”
