In what the administration is calling a “bold return to American values,” President Donald J. Trump has officially signed an executive order redirecting all federal funds previously allocated to LGBTQ+ Pride events to organizations supporting homeless veterans.
“America first,” Trump said while wearing a rhinestone-studded camo hat that said RED WHITE & DO ME. “We’re done funding drag brunches and glitter parades. That money is going to real heroes now. The ones who carried the flag, not the ones who danced with it.”
The move has garnered praise from conservative lawmakers and precisely one guy named Joe Barron who lives in a 2003 Winnebago and yells at clouds. “It’s about time someone stood up to Big Rainbow,” said Barron, who is currently the acting deputy liaison to the Office of Patriotic Optics (a real thing, probably).
White House Press Secretary Art Tubolls told reporters that more than $180 million in “woke waste” was being redirected to “vital support systems for our homeless veteran community.” According to Tubolls, these programs offer everything from job training to emotional therapy via golden retriever hugs. “It’s the kind of caring and compassion we’ve come to expect from a president who once tried to buy Greenland,” Tubolls added.
What Tubolls didn’t clarify—but our sources did—is that all of the “veteran support organizations” receiving this redirected funding are owned by President Trump himself.
Records show the largest recipient of funds is Trump Valor Recovery Solutions LLC, a for-profit enterprise registered to Mar-a-Lago and co-managed by Eric Trump, who thinks PTSD is a crypto token. The company’s stated mission is “to honor our veterans by giving them dignity, respect, and high-interest microloans.”
Another key recipient is Stable Genius Warrior Haven, a “transitional shelter” located just off a Florida highway next to a Chick-fil-A and three airboat tour depots. While it has not yet housed a single veteran, it has ordered 40,000 MAGA-branded fleece blankets and installed a platinum toilet in the executive bathroom.
Trump also diverted funds to VetCo Patriot Grills, a chain of for-profit BBQ restaurants “inspired by service” that offer discounts to anyone who salutes the deep fryer.
When asked about the clear financial benefit to his own businesses, Trump replied, “Look, I’m just doing what’s best for the country. If I profit a little bit, it’s because I love veterans more than anyone else. I love them so much, I trademarked the word ‘vet’ in five states.”
The president added that Pride event organizers are free to reapply for funding if they’re willing to dress like Thomas Jefferson and recite the Second Amendment during their performances.
When pressed for comment, the Department of Government Expenditures (DOGE) confirmed that, technically, the funding shift was legal due to a clause Trump added to the 2020 budget while no one was looking. “Also,” said a DOGE spokesperson, “he drew a winky face next to it, which in Trump’s America counts as a signature.”
God Bless America. And maybe Joe Barron.
