Attorney General Todd Blanche announced Thursday that the Department of Justice is “preparing seditious conspiracy charges” against Senator Mark Kelly (D-AZ) and “potentially five other senators” in connection with what he called “a coordinated effort to undermine the constitutional order through deception and obstruction.” The announcement, which Blanche made during a press conference at the DOJ’s Washington headquarters, referenced “recently uncovered video evidence” showing Kelly and other Democratic senators “meeting in an undisclosed location” to discuss “removal of the duly elected president through extra-constitutional means.”
The charges appear to center on the “seditious six” video that circulated on conservative social media last week, which showed Kelly and five colleagues entering a Capitol Hill townhouse owned by a “George Soros-connected nonprofit” and emerging three hours later with what Blanche described as “documents consistent with articles of impeachment and also possibly a list of preferred cabinet replacements for an illegitimate successor government.” Constitutional scholars immediately noted that “meeting to discuss impeachment is legal and also constitutionally prescribed,” but Blanche insisted the “tone and manner” of the discussions suggested “intent beyond legislative oversight.”
“This is treason,” said Joan Berro, a commercial security consultant who once installed cameras in a jewelry store and now consults on “senatorial sedition detection.” “They met in secret. At a Soros property. That’s not constituent services. That’s conspiracy. I’ve seen secret meetings. They usually involve whispering and looking over shoulders. These senators weren’t even trying to hide. They walked right in. Arrogance. Pure arrogance.”
Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once served on a city council, confirmed that “three hours is exactly enough time to plan a coup.” “You need one hour for grievances, one hour for logistics, and one hour for assigning roles. I’ve been in dental meetings that lasted three hours. We planned nothing. But senators? They plan. They plan the destruction of America. The timing is textbook.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully organized a surprise party in 2017 that was actually surprising and now consults on “conspiratorial coordination analysis,” reviewed the video evidence. “Kelly was carrying a briefcase,” Barron observed. “Briefcases contain documents. Documents contain plans. Plans contain treason. It’s a chain of custody. I’ve carried briefcases to Golden Corral. They contained wet wipes and coupons. But I’m not a senator. If I were, I’d carry plans for constitutional destruction. It’s what you do with the briefcase that matters.”
Barron has offered to serve as the DOJ’s “conspiracy coordinator,” provided the agency allows him to wear his custom “Sedition Investigator” trench coat and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “unconstitutional intent from the salad bar.”
The actual charges, revealed in a sealed indictment unsealed by a federal judge Thursday afternoon, allege that Kelly and his colleagues “conspired to purchase all available Big Macs from McDonald’s locations within a five-mile radius of the White House” on January 20, 2025, “with intent to deprive the President of his preferred lunch option and thereby obstruct the execution of his constitutional duties.” The indictment claims the senators “pooled approximately $847” and “deployed staffers to 14 separate McDonald’s locations” to execute the scheme. Barron noted that “this explains the briefcase, which likely contained cash and also possibly special sauce” and that “if you multiply the number of Big Macs by the caloric content, you get a number that represents the exact amount of obstruction required to trigger the Twenty-Fifth Amendment, which is apparently 540 calories per senator.”
