In yet another baffling case of taxpayer money disappearing into the void, it has been revealed that a consulting firm linked to former Congressman Adam Schiff received a staggering $1.6 million from USAID in 2024. The problem? No one seems to know what the firm was actually consulting on.

Government records show that Schiff’s firm, Schiff Strategies LLC, was awarded the funds under the vaguely titled contract: “Democracy Enhancement and Narrative Alignment Services.” When pressed for details, a USAID spokesperson responded with a two-minute coughing fit before abruptly ending the call.

“This is the swamp at its finest,” said Congressman Joe Barron, who has already demanded an emergency hearing to uncover what he called “the most suspicious consulting gig since Hillary Clinton’s yoga class invoices.” Barron pointed out that Schiff’s firm has no known office, website, or employees. “As far as we can tell, the whole operation is just a P.O. box and a Gmail account auto-replying with ‘sounds good, let’s circle back.’”

Senator Art Tubolls also weighed in, stating, “I don’t know what’s more outrageous—the money Schiff got or the fact that we still don’t know what USAID even does.” Tubolls has since introduced the “We Want Our Money Back Act,” which would require any consulting firm that fails to provide receipts to return their federal funding in the form of a large novelty check presented at a press conference.

When confronted, Schiff denied any wrongdoing. “This is a completely legitimate consulting arrangement,” he insisted. “The details are classified, but I can assure you it was for important work in important places involving important things.”

However, leaked internal memos suggest that much of the $1.6 million may have been spent on expenses labeled “Strategic Narrative Deployment,” which included:

  • $350,000 for “media guidance,” which, according to sources, involved sending CNN a single text message reading: “Orange Man bad?”
  • $225,000 for “confidential expertise” from an unnamed source, which turned out to be an intern in Schiff’s office Googling “how to convince people you’re winning.”
  • $67,000 on an exploratory study into “whether democracy would benefit from more Adam Schiff.”
  • $1,200 for catered lunches, heavily skewed toward kale-based entrees.

As the scandal unfolds, Schiff remains defiant. “This is just another baseless attack from the far right,” he declared, before stepping into a chauffeured car labeled “Paid for by You, the Taxpayer.”

At press time, USAID had issued a follow-up statement claiming the payment was “entirely appropriate” and that Americans should not be “distracted by questions about where their money is going.” Meanwhile, Schiff Strategies LLC has officially changed its status to “inactive,” though sources say a new consulting firm—Schiff Solutions Worldwide—has already applied for a fresh round of government grants.