Once again, the master of weaseling his way out of accountability, Adam Schiff, finds himself caught in a scandal that smells worse than Joe Biden’s sneakers after a Delaware beach run.

According to newly uncovered court documents, Schiff quietly settled a civil lawsuit with the family of a 17-year-old boy for a whopping $7.9 million. The settlement includes a strict non-disclosure agreement, meaning neither party can talk about what really happened — not that Schiff has ever been known for honesty, mind you.

Schiff’s high-priced attorney, Joe Barron, Esq., told reporters, “NDAs are standard practice in many settlements. There’s nothing to see here.” Right. And Hunter Biden’s laptop was just a Russian novel.

Rumors flew faster than Kamala Harris running from a press gaggle. Was it something creepy? Something criminal? Was little Adam just another link in the long, grim chain of D.C. swamp monsters abusing their power?

Even CNN started getting nervous, briefly interrupting their daily “Trump Is Mean” coverage to issue a vague, one-sentence acknowledgment that “Mr. Schiff is dealing with a personal legal matter.”

Personal, indeed.

It wasn’t until DOGE Specialist Art Tubolls got involved that the real story started to surface — and boy, is it a doozy.

According to internal documents leaked to DOGE (because real journalists don’t seem interested), the entire $7.9 million payout stemmed from a five-year-long dispute over unpaid lawn care services.

That’s right. Turns out, the 17-year-old plaintiff — identified only as “Timmy” to protect his identity — had been mowing Schiff’s estate-sized lawn in Maryland since he was 12 years old. Schiff apparently kept promising to “pay him later” — kind of like how he promised there was “clear evidence” of Russian collusion.

After 152 separate mows — some during heatwaves, others during torrential rainstorms — poor Timmy realized “later” wasn’t coming.

He and his family sued for back pay, emotional distress, and something called “delayed teenage entrepreneurial opportunity,” which, let’s be honest, sounds exactly like something a leftist judge would dream up.

When confronted with the evidence, Schiff crumbled like a week-old vegan muffin. Rather than risk public humiliation — or worse, voters realizing he stiffed a kid harder than a Georgetown bar tab — he agreed to fork over $7.9 million, about 300 times the actual value of the labor.

But hey, when you’re Adam Schiff, money isn’t real. Only “narratives” are.

When asked for comment, Schiff’s office released a statement blaming “Russian disinformation” and “Donald Trump’s mean tweets” for the whole thing.

As for Timmy, he’s reportedly investing part of his payout into a fleet of riding mowers and plans to launch his own lawn care empire. “Maybe I’ll hire Adam Schiff someday,” the teen joked, “but he’s gonna have to fill out a time card.”

Amen, young man. God Bless America.