Beyonce Knowles wants to be a country star. Apparently, having more Grammys than anyone on the planet isn’t good enough for her; she wants in on that country love.

Unfortunately, the Academy of Country Music understands the ruse and has denied her request for membership.

“Honestly,” said ACM Executive Director Joe Barron, “We thought she was joking. She put out a song that sounds a little country and she wants to do an album. Our answer was…go ahead. It won’t make you one of us.”

The ACM said it won’t consider Beyonce’s Texan roots or her genuine appreciation of the genre. “She should have thought of that before she made all the po0p music and woke crap,” said Barron, “We already have Garth Brooks, and we’re revoking his membership when this fiscal year ends in April.”

Without a membership in the Academy, Beyonce won’t be eligible for any ACM Music Awards, and she will likely never get to play the Grand Ol’ Opry. She also won’t be welcome for members’ night at Kid Rock’s Nashville Honkytonk, ($5 cover and a two-drink minimum), nor will she enjoy the 10% discount at Golden Corral or early entry to the Bass Prop Shop yearly gun safe sale.

“It’s a crushing blow to her country aspirations,” said a guy named Lou who was hanging out at a 7-11 in Galveston, “Without the ACM ward she might not qualify as one of the biggest names in music history.”

Lou seemed a little slow, but we thanked him with a pack of Winstons and a bag of those Fireball nips. God Bless America.

14 Comments

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