ABC’s Legal Department In A Panic Over Leaked Whoopi Goldberg Texts

“I don’t care who she is I’ll stab her in the neck.”

“If that b*tch comes near me I’ll euthanize her with a ballpoint pen.”

“I’m a black woman. Nobody will tell me no.”

“Kyle Rittenhouse is a murderer.”

Those, along with many other text messages that are “much worse,” according to our sources, are currently under review at ABC’s legal department for potential lawsuits and even a criminal conspiracy “problem.”

“Whoopi’s texts are a textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder,” said Joe Barron, ABC’s Director of Mental Health Outreach, “The problem is, she won’t let us help treat her.”

Goldberg’s spokesman said she is definitely not a narcissist, the texts aren’t real, and this looks like another low-brow attempt by “that troll guy” to profit off of the gullibility of the “common right-wing potato.”

They always have the same excuse. “The story isn’t real.” It’s getting kinda old. If they would just tell the truth for once, we wouldn’t have to double-profit by writing a ridiculous fact-check on another clearly-labeled satire site.

Hopefully, the show and the network can finally find the strength to fire this horrible woman. And not a story that she was fired, either. Let’s all pray it’s true one way or the other. God Bless America.