A group of 18 Federal Magistrates has officially approved a list of 81 judges accused of—brace yourself—having opinions. According to the panel, these judges are guilty of “judicial activism,” which in modern political terms means “they ruled in a way I personally didn’t like.”

The process falls under Executive Order 199783J, which absolutely sounds like a real thing and not something drafted in crayon on the back of a Waffle House placemat. The order calls for a multi-step review of federal judges who may have misused their power, issued rulings based on “woke nonsense,” or, worse yet, interpreted the Constitution without phoning Marjorie Taylor Greene first.

Once these 81 judges are subjected to a thorough “peer review” (where they’ll likely be judged by a panel of people who think the Federalist Papers were a Netflix series), the final list will be forwarded to the Senate Committee on Judicial Misconduct. From there, if the vibes feel right, it heads to the full Senate for what can only be described as a glorified game of “pin the treason on the liberal.”

Of the 81 judges, 63 were appointed by Joe Biden. The rest hail from the glorious reigns of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and yes—George W. Bush. Because when you’re rooting out so-called activists, you don’t discriminate. If a judge once ruled in favor of environmental protections, labor rights, or basic human decency, well… that’s basically communism.

“This has nothing to do with partisanship,” said DOGE spokesperson Joe Barron. “It’s about returning our judiciary to the sacred tradition of falling in line with whatever the loudest Facebook page says justice looks like this week.”

Among the most egregious crimes committed by these judges? One ruled in favor of letting poor people access healthcare. Another blocked a law requiring children to pass a pull-up test before using school restrooms. A third had the audacity to suggest that due process applies to everyone—even people who don’t wear flag pins on their lapels.

At least six of the judges are reportedly unaware that they’re on the list, since the “peer review” invitations were sent via fax from a machine located in the back of a Golden Corral in Pensacola.

“It’s not just about judicial activism,” said Senator Art Tubolls, who chairs the unofficial Subcommittee for Absolutely Unhinged Oversight. “It’s about making America great again by making sure our judges don’t do…judge things. Or think too much.”

Naturally, legal scholars across the country are sounding the alarm—but let’s face it, they’re probably next.

So while the rest of us wait for this circus to make its way to the Senate floor, keep an eye out for Executive Order 199783K, which reportedly calls for the impeachment of any gavel that looks like it’s “leaning left.”

God Bless America.