Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is in hot water again, and this time it has nothing to do with Twitter tantrums, dancing on rooftops, or pretending to be a bartender to prove she’s “one of us.” According to sources that may or may not exist in any verifiable dimension, more than one million New Yorkers have signed a petition to have her recalled after explosive allegations surfaced that her family cashed her dead grandmother’s Social Security checks for 14.5 years.
The scandal, first reported by an Uber passenger who was “absolutely sure” his driver’s cousin’s ex-roommate once worked at the Queens Social Security office, has been called “the most Brooklyn thing that’s ever happened in the Bronx.”
“I don’t even care about politics,” said Carl Trambley, a sidewalk pretzel vendor who learned about the scheme from a customer who was FaceTiming his mom at the time. “But once you start stealing government checks from a woman who died in 2008? You’ve crossed the line from woke to broke.”
According to an anonymous tipster named Art Tubolls — who claims to be a retired IRS intern and current part-time magician at children’s parties — the checks were routed through no fewer than nine family members, two LLCs, and something called “Tía Cash Transfer Services,” which appears to be run out of a back room in a vegan empanada shop.
DOGE, the Department of Governmental Ethics (rebranded under Elon Musk as “Dealing Out Governmental Embarrassment”), has confirmed the existence of the petition and says it’s “exploring options,” though no one at DOGE will say what that actually means.
“Look, we’re not saying AOC personally took the money,” said DOGE spokesperson Joe Barron, wearing a trench coat made entirely out of campaign finance reports, “but someone with her exact name, birthday, and home address definitely deposited about $117,000 in monthly increments over the course of nearly a decade and a half. And that’s just from Grandma. There might be a Grandpa out there too.”
As the scandal broke, the Congresswoman took to her preferred platform — sobbing softly into a ring light on Instagram Live — to say she’s the victim of a “far-right misinformation campaign funded by lobbyists, billionaires, and a particularly aggressive bodega cat.”
But the public doesn’t seem convinced. At a packed town hall in Queens, angry constituents held up signs reading, “Hands Off Nana’s Checks,” “Defund Tía,” and “Where’s Abuela’s Money, Lady?”
The petition, which was originally posted on a community bulletin board inside a laundromat and later migrated to an unofficial subreddit run by someone named “WokeSlayer47,” has since been notarized by a guy with a stamp in his glovebox and is now allegedly making its way to the New York Board of Elections. Whether or not the Board will act remains to be seen, especially since AOC’s staff insists “New York doesn’t even have a recall process for federal legislators.”
To which the petitioners replied: “Yeah, but this is different. It’s grandma money.”
Even Elon Musk weighed in, tweeting, “14.5 years? That’s longer than most of my companies stay solvent.”
At press time, AOC was seen exiting her office through the back alley, allegedly mumbling something about how “Social Security is a colonial construct” and “the money would’ve just gone to the Pentagon anyway.”
Whether or not charges are filed remains unclear, but one thing’s for sure: If defrauding Social Security doesn’t end a political career in 2025, we’ve officially entered a timeline written by The Onion and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
God Bless America.
