Americans love holidays. Whether it’s the December Christmas, Hannukah, and Kwanzaa season, or the ones that really just afford us a day off from work that no one really cares about like Columbus Day and Memorial Day. Heck, even the Jews have one, Sukkot, just for encouraging families to band together and build a shack out of plants and gourds to, I don’t know, capture pigs in so they don’t eat them. Or something.
It might have something to do with dressing up monkeys like the cast of “Fiddler on the Roof.” I skipped that day in Shuul.
Now Vice President Kamala Harris is ready to create a new federal holiday for Black Lives Matter, the activist group and Nobel prize contender that works tirelessly for equality and justice for Americans of color.
The day, designated for marking on March 20th, will be the newest official celebratory day for Americans since the creation of Martin Luther King Jr. Day in 1983 by President Ronald Reagan. See, he was good for something.
Harris will announce the historic holiday’s designation in a speech sometime next week, says Sandra Batt of the Harris Foundation for Triggering Teabags. Here she elaborates on the chosen date:
“Well, we wanted it after Black History Month, but as a fairly close reminder. Had to be after St. Patty’s Day so all the drunken Irish will be calmed down, but before Easter so all the pretend “Christian” Trumpy idiots have something to do with themselves other than get in our way. Well before May and June because that’s when all the good movies come out. I mean, they do when there’s no Trump Plague wafting about.”
I’ve heard Top Gun 2 is going to end with a kid shooting Maverick down with a $40 drone over Florida.
BLM Day will celebrate leaders of the movement and their sacrifices for the progress of justice. Heroic sports great Colin Kapernick is said to play heavy in the holiday’s imagery.
Insiders have spread rumors that this official pronouncement will serve as a stepping stone towards the ultimate goal of having Barack Obama carved into Mount Rushmore. That would certainly liven up an old white borefest.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
