Both medical and psychological experts have had a monumentally busy year. Just the study of the Covid-19 virus, or as it’s popularly known, “the Trump Plague”, in itself brings in new reams of data on a daily basis.
However this year has also already started off on a note of inexplicability with so many normally sane and reasonable Americans, seemingly losing their collective shit over an election that was not even close and showed exactly the same number of signs of fraudulent activity as Lindsey Graham has penises : zero.
Zero is also the number of sperm cells Mitch McConnell has left that aren’t identical to Mr. Magoo.
Why then, are so many barely upright old space cases of the psychotic belief that it was somehow “rigged” despite absolutely no proof beyond a video made by a crackhead pillow humper to woo his man crush? Is it drugs? Mass stupidity? Hypnosis? Magic marker fumes? Whippits? The purple man from Jessica Jones? Red kryptonite? Outdated cheese? Anvil to the head?
While these are all possible, Dr. Joe Barron of the St. Queefaventure Hospital for Cult Minions has another theory : mental illness.
“This ‘Biden Denial’ disorder is basically severe brainwashing of a brain that was, well, more dumber to begin with. These human ‘potatoes’, for lack of a better term, have spent four years with the same voices on their TV, on their radios, the same memes and fake scary statistics and nonsense in their social media. One single guy, KNOWN for his sheer volume of bullshit tells them an entire election was fixed, and they’re all in. That’s pure and simple, a mental disorder.”
“Why hasn’t someone called that Harry Potter kid to shrink China down for me yet! Wait, where am i?”
Barron wrote a 15-page dissertation on the subject, parts of which have been excerpted in the New England Journal of Loonies. The medical community is overall very approving of the diagnosis, and many labs across the country are experimenting with chemical and therapeutic treatments.
Is it crazy batshit bananas to truly believe in something as irrational as Joe Biden stealing an election? Yes. The question is, what do we do with so many idiots? Florida is already pretty crowded as it is.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
