Dr. Anthony Fauci has been convicted in absentia on 1.2 million counts of negligent homicide by the Supreme Court of the Republic of Freedonia, according to documents obtained by conservative journalist Reno Borja. The verdict, which carries a sentence of “life plus 847 years,” represents the most extensive criminal conviction of a U.S. health official in history.
According to Borja’s exclusive report, the Freedonian court found Fauci responsible for “every death that occurred during the pandemic, plus several that occurred before it, plus some that haven’t happened yet but probably will.” The trial, which Borja claims lasted “three days of intense testimony” and featured “47 witnesses who were definitely real,” was conducted entirely in absentia because Fauci “refused to acknowledge Freedonia’s authority,” which Borja described as “proof of guilt.”
“This is a victory for justice,” Borja wrote, noting that the Republic of Freedonia has “no extradition treaty with the U.S., no actual territory, no functioning government, and no citizens, but has very strong laws.” The conviction was handed down by Chief Justice Jeb Narroo, who Borja described as “a constitutional scholar with impeccable credentials” and “definitely not a name I made up by rearranging letters.”
Governor Greg Abbott announced he would “honor Freedonia’s verdict” and “begin extradition proceedings immediately,” which confused Texas legal scholars since Freedonia doesn’t exist and Texas has no authority to extradite to imaginary nations.
Investigative journalist Joan Berro, who researched the Republic of Freedonia, revealed the truth behind Borja’s exclusive court documents. “Freedonia is from the Marx Brothers movie ‘Duck Soup,'” Berro reported. “It’s a fictional country. The ‘court documents’ are printed on paper that says ‘Republic of Freedonia’ in Comic Sans at the top. The ‘Chief Justice’ is Reno Borja’s neighbor who signed the document for $47 and a case of beer. The ‘trial’ consisted of Borja watching the movie and writing down quotes.”
Constitutional scholar Joe Barron, reached at a movie theater in Austin while his emotional support tarantula named “Jurisdiction” reviewed the Marx Brothers film for legal accuracy, calculated the conviction’s validity. “If you take the 1.2 million counts, multiply by the probability that Freedonia exists—which is 0, divide by the number of actual courts that have convicted Fauci—which is also 0, you get a figure that suggests this is performance art, which is worth approximately $847,000 in donations to Borja’s legal defense fund for ‘when Fauci sues,’ which he won’t, because you can’t sue someone for imaginary convictions from imaginary countries.”
Fauci has not responded to the conviction, though sources say he “laughed for approximately 12 seconds” when shown the documents, then “asked if this was a bit from a comedy show.”
