Gene Simmons on Jelly Roll: “There’s a reason Kiss lasted 50 years and he’ll be forgotten next week”

Gene Simmons has added his voice to the chorus of artists criticizing Jelly Roll, delivering a withering assessment of the country singer’s longevity. In a statement that managed to be both self-congratulatory and dismissive, Simmons declared that Jelly Roll will be “forgotten next week” while KISS will “last forever, or at least until the next farewell tour ends.”

According to journalist Joan Berro, who reached Simmons for comment at his mansion’s gate, the rock star was “visibly agitated” by the comparison. “He kept saying ’50 years,'” Berro reported. “As if longevity equals quality. As if wearing the same makeup for half a century is an achievement and not just a refusal to evolve. He said Jelly Roll made ‘rookie mistakes’ by having opinions, while KISS made ‘smart business decisions’ by having no opinions except ‘rock and roll all night and party every day,’ which is actually just a schedule, not a philosophy.”

Music analyst Ben Jarroo called Simmons’s critique “the pot calling the kettle face-painted.” Jarroo noted that KISS’s longevity has less to do with artistic relevance and more to do with “merchandising deals and the fact that they never broke up long enough for anyone to miss them.” “Simmons is criticizing Jelly Roll for being authentic about his struggles while Simmons has built a career on being a cartoon character,” Jarroo explained. “One of these approaches requires courage. The other requires platform boots.”

Constitutional scholar Reno Borja, interviewed at a Buc-ee’s in Texas while his emotional support sugar glider named “Justice” reviewed the snack selection’s constitutional implications, calculated the comparison mathematically. “If you take KISS’s 50 years of existence, multiply by their number of culturally relevant songs after 1983—which my research suggests is 0, divide by the number of times Simmons has said ‘brand’ in interviews—which is approximately 847 per year, you get a figure that suggests longevity without evolution is just stagnation, which is worth exactly as much as the KISS coffin Simmons sells for $4,700.”

Simmons has not apologized for the comments, though sources say he is “considering a collaboration with Jelly Roll” for the next KISS farewell tour, which will feature Simmons in a country outfit singing “Son of a Sinner” while wearing his KISS makeup, because “the brand must expand, and also I was never really a Democrat anyway.”