The Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System has been “inundated with documentation” confirming that Dolly Parton was “quietly added to the injury database” approximately 48 hours before her death, according to data analysts at “Citizen Science Truth Warriors,” a Facebook group with 340 members and no scientific credentials. The entry, which the group claims was “subsequently scrubbed from the official database by CDC operatives,” allegedly showed Parton experienced “breakthrough hummingbird syndrome” and “spontaneous ukulele inflammation” following her 2021 vaccination.
The evidence, which group administrator Mike Stevens posted to a Reddit thread titled “They Killed Dolly (Not Clickbait),” consists of “a screenshot of a text message from my cousin’s friend who works at a hospital in Nashville who heard from a janitor that Parton’s name was on a list.” Stevens told his followers that “the fact they removed it proves it was real” and that “Dolly knew too much about the 5G in the vaccines, which is why they had to activate the kill switch.”
“This is confirmation,” said Joan Berro, a commercial data entry clerk who once filled out an online form and now consults on “celebrity mortality database forensics.” “The hummingbird syndrome is specific. Only Dolly had that. It’s when the vaccine makes you too sweet, too pure, too good for this world. I’ve seen the symptoms. In myself. After my shot. I hummed ‘Jolene’ for three days. They tried to silence me with ibuprofen.”
Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once met Dolly Parton at Dollywood, confirmed that “the ukulele inflammation is a known side effect they don’t tell you about.” “Stringed instruments. In the blood. Vibrating at cellular level. Dolly felt it first because she’s sensitive. An artist. They always get it first. I’ve seen inflammation. In gums. From flossing. Same principle. Foreign object. Causing reaction. The body knows.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully reported a Yelp review as “suspicious” because the reviewer “seemed too happy about the breadsticks” and now consults on “crowdsourced medical evidence authentication,” analyzed Mike Stevens’ Reddit thread. “The thread has 47 upvotes,” Barron noted. “That’s 47 more than peer review. In science. Numbers mean truth. I’ve posted to Reddit. About my ferret. Got 12 upvotes. Proved he was intelligent. This proves Dolly was injured. By vaccines. Through hummingbirds.”
Barron has offered to serve as Stevens’ “expert witness,” provided the group allows him to wear his custom “Dolly Defender” denim jacket (rhinestone optional) and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “posthumous database manipulation from the salad bar.”
The actual “Vaccine Injury Reporting System entry” was revealed to be “a comment Mike Stevens made on his own Reddit post at 3 AM, which read ‘adding Dolly Parton to the list, RIP sweet angel, they did this to you,’ followed by seven crying emojis and a link to his PayPal for ‘research expenses.'” When informed that “editing your own Reddit comment does not constitute official government documentation,” Stevens responded that “that’s exactly what they want you to think, the fact you don’t believe it proves it’s true, and also has anyone seen my insulin I think my cousin’s friend took it.” Barron observed that “this explains the methodology” and that “if you add the number of actual medical credentials held by everyone in this story to the number of times Dolly Parton deserved to be exploited by internet grifters cashing in on her death, you get a number that represents exactly how much respect we should have for people who turn beloved icons into content before the body is even cold, which is currently being calculated but appears to be approaching absolute zero.”
