A Senate Ethics Committee inquiry has revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) executed a series of “suspiciously timed” stock trades in the weeks preceding Spirit Airlines’ bankruptcy filing, with financial analysts estimating she netted “between $12 million and $47 million” by shorting the discount carrier’s equity through a complex derivatives strategy. The trades, which Warren allegedly coordinated through a “blind trust” managed by her second cousin’s former roommate, coincided with her vocal support for legislation increasing airline consumer protections and mandating minimum seat widths—regulations that critics claim were “designed to cripple ultra-low-cost carriers.”
Warren’s office dismissed the allegations as “mathematically impossible and legally incoherent,” noting that Spirit Airlines stock had traded below $0.50 for eighteen months prior to the trades in question, and that “shorting a company already in Chapter 11 is like betting against a horse that has already been processed into glue.” The Senator further clarified that her financial disclosures show no holdings in airline securities, and that her second cousin’s former roommate “drives a school bus in Worcester and has never heard of a put option.”
“This is sophisticated,” said Joan Berro, a commercial day trader who lost $4,000 on GameStop in 2021 and now consults on “senatorial short-selling strategies.” “She shorted. The worthless stock. Which is genius. Because you can’t lose. When it’s already zero. I’ve shorted stocks. Hundreds. None were already bankrupt. But I’ve seen zero. In my account. After trading. The decimals don’t lie. And neither do the bankruptcy filings. Which she caused. With legroom.”
The “millions in profit” calculation, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once flew Spirit to Tampa, is particularly damning given the stock’s value. “Zero point forty-seven cents,” Benja explained, adjusting his mask. “Per share. When she shorted it. Which means. To make twelve million. She would need. To short. Twenty-five million shares. Of a company. That only had. Twenty million shares. Outstanding. I’ve done math. In dental offices. For insurance billing. The numbers don’t lie. And neither does basic arithmetic. Which I failed. But still.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully used a coupon at Spirit Airlines for a bag of pretzels in 2019 and now consults on “aviation financial forensics,” analyzed Warren’s trading strategy. “She bought puts,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “On worthless stock. Which is like. Buying insurance. On a car. That’s already. On fire. In a junkyard. I’ve bought insurance. For flights. On Spirit. Which were delayed. For hours. The pretzels don’t lie. And neither do the bankruptcy courts. Which she manipulated. With seat width.”
Barron has offered to serve as the SEC’s lead investigator, provided the Commission allows him to wear his custom “Short Seller” flight attendant uniform and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “insider trading from the salad bar, though in this case the ferret is confused because you can’t insider trade a company that’s already insolvent, much like you can’t ruin something that’s already ruined, which is what Spirit was before Warren even introduced her bill.”
Warren’s office called the inquiry “a waste of resources that could be investigating actual financial crimes,” prompting Barron to note that “waste is the first stage of discovery,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of inches of legroom Spirit offered, divided by the number of millions Warren actually made from this impossible scheme, which is zero, because that’s not how shorting works, and also Spirit was already dead.”
