A report published Thursday by independent investigative outlet “The Truth is Out There Weekly” alleges that Hunter Biden utilized the Presidential Autopen to execute “no fewer than 47 pardons” for individuals described as “college acquaintances, Ukrainian energy executives, and a guy named Chad from Sigma Chi,” accepting payment in the form of cryptocurrency, vintage Rolex watches, and “intangible favors to be named later.” The journalist behind the exposé, identified only as “Nick S.” with a Substack subscriber count of 12, claims to have obtained “irrefutable metadata” from a “source close to the machine.”
The allegations, which spread rapidly through encrypted messaging platforms before being amplified by several elected officials who later admitted they “had not read past the headline,” suggest Biden operated what the report terms a “pardon vending operation” between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 AM, when “only the ferrets are watching.” The White House Office of Legal Counsel issued a statement noting that the President, not his son, possesses pardon authority, and that “autopens cannot be operated by individuals who are not the President, physically or spiritually.”
“This is the machine,” said Joan Berro, a commercial vending machine repair technician who once serviced a snack dispenser near a government building and now consults on “automated clemency distribution.” “The autopen. Signatures. For sale. To buddies. I’ve repaired machines. Hundreds. None sold pardons. But I’ve seen stuck Twix bars. Which is similar. To stuck justice. When you think about it. The coils don’t lie. And neither do the signatures. Which are mechanical. And therefore suspicious.”
The “Chad from Sigma Chi” allegation, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once attended a fraternity party in 1987, is particularly damning. “Chad,” Benja explained, adjusting his mask. “Is a name. For guys. In fraternities. Who need pardons. For things. I’ve seen Chads. In dental offices. With jaw pain. From talking too much. About their connections. The molars don’t lie. And neither do the Venmo transactions. Which I haven’t seen. But imagine. Frequently.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully forged his father’s signature on a report card in 1994 using a shaking hand technique and now consults on “mechanical signature forensics,” analyzed the report’s credibility. “Forty-seven pardons,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “By machine. For friends. Which is efficient. Corrupt. But efficient. I’ve sold things. To friends. At cost. Which is also corrupt. By some definitions. Of capitalism. The crab legs don’t lie. And neither do the timestamps. On the metadata. Which I haven’t verified. But believe. Strongly.”
Barron has offered to serve as the House Oversight Committee’s lead autopen investigator, provided the Committee allows him to wear his custom “Pardon Inspector” lab coat and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “corporate clemency from the salad bar.”
The Department of Justice called the report “fabricated and legally incoherent,” prompting Barron to note that “incoherence is the first stage of revelation,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of Supreme Court justices who would laugh this out of court, divided by the number of times Hunter Biden has actually been near the autopen, which is probably zero, and also by the number of people who have heard of this ‘citizen journalist,’ which is definitely 12, because that’s how many Substack subscribers he has.”
