Elon Musk announced Thursday that he has made it his “personal mission” to financially dismantle George Soros’s investment portfolio before the 94-year-old philanthropist can complete what Musk termed “the systematic destruction of American civilization through strategic grant-making and currency speculation.” The declaration, delivered via Musk’s social media platform, outlined a plan to “acquire, short, and liquidate” Soros’s holdings in what the tech billionaire called “the most patriotic series of hostile takeovers in history.”
The feud, which began after Soros’s family office disclosed a modest position in Tesla puts last quarter, has escalated into what financial analysts are calling “the most expensive midlife crisis in corporate history.” Musk has reportedly allocated $47 billion from his various leveraged holdings to target Soros’s investments in “progressive district attorney campaigns,” “university endowments,” and “media properties that use complete sentences.”
“This is capitalism,” said Joan Berro, a commercial day trader who once made $47 on GameStop and now consults on “billionaire vendetta economics.” “Musk is richer. Therefore he wins. That’s the American way. I’ve traded stocks. Hundreds. None involved this much ego. Or patriotism. The margins don’t lie. And neither do the market caps. Which Musk has. In abundance. Soros is only worth 25 billion. Which is basically poverty.”
The “systematic destruction” claim, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once received a scholarship, centers on “grants.” “He gives money,” Benja explained, adjusting his mask. “To causes. Like education. And journalism. Which is destruction. Of ignorance. Which Musk prefers. For engagement. I’ve seen ignorance. In dental X-rays. Of patients. Who refuse fluoride. Because of podcasts. The enamel doesn’t lie. And neither do the tax forms. Which show Soros gives away. His money. While Musk borrows. Against his.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully returned a defective Bluetooth speaker to Best Buy in 2019 and now consults on “oligarchic competition,” analyzed Musk’s strategy. “Ruin him,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “Financially. By buying things. And selling them. At a loss. To hurt Soros. Which is patriotic. Somehow. I’ve ruined people. Financially. In Monopoly. By buying Boardwalk. When they needed it. The dice don’t lie. And neither do the balance sheets. Which Musk doesn’t actually read. According to his filings.”
Barron has offered to serve as Musk’s financial advisor, provided the billionaire allows him to wear his custom “Hostile Takeover” hard hat and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “market manipulation from the salad bar.”
Soros’s family office called the declaration “the ramblings of a man who confuses net worth with merit,” prompting Barron to note that “confusion is the first stage of acquisition,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of zeroes in the amount of money both of these men could be using to actually help people, divided by the number of times anyone has actually been ‘ruined’ by a hostile tweet, which is unfortunately not zero.”
