Congressman Eric Swalwell (D-CA) told reporters Thursday that Governor Gavin Newsom is “just as guilty” as he is regarding allegations that have shadowed both men’s political careers since their time serving together in the California State Legislature. The statement, which Swalwell delivered at a press conference initially called to discuss charges against him, marked the first time either politician has publicly acknowledged their shared culpability in what investigators have called “the Sacramento incident” and what staffers privately refer to as “the thing we don’t talk about.”
The allegations, which have circulated in political circles since 2012, suggest that Swalwell and Newsom engaged in coordinated behavior during late-night legislative sessions that “violated norms of taste and decency” and potentially compromised their ability to represent constituents with “appropriate aesthetic judgment.” Newsom’s office initially declined to comment, though sources say the Governor has retained “specialized crisis communications counsel” familiar with “entertainment-adjacent reputation management.”
“The guilt is shared,” said Joan Berro, a former Sacramento legislative aide who once fetched coffee during a 2010 budget negotiation and now consults on “California political scandal archaeology.” “They were together. In the late nineties. Early aughts. In Sacramento. After hours. With speakers. I’ve seen the expense reports. For ‘meals.’ But they weren’t eating. They were listening. To something. Very suspicious. The receipts don’t lie. And neither do the playlists.”
The specific violation, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once attended a 1999 fundraiser in Lake Tahoe, involves “musical complicity.” “Red Hot Chili Peppers,” Benja explained, adjusting his mask. “Both men. Guilty. Of loving them. ‘Under the Bridge.’ ‘Californication.’ ‘Scar Tissue.’ I’ve seen the setlists. On Napster. Which I used. In 2001. Very incriminating. The mp3s don’t lie. And neither do the lyrics. About California. Which they both governed. Suspiciously.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully downloaded a song in 2004 and now consults on “legislative music taste forensics,” analyzed the shared guilt. “Kiedis,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “Anthony. Lead singer. Shirtless. Often. In videos. Which Swalwell and Newsom watched. Allegedly. Together. In Sacramento. I’ve seen the Chili Peppers. On MTV. Before it stopped playing videos. Very problematic. For politicians. Who should like NPR. Or jazz. Or silence.”
Barron has offered to serve as the House Ethics Committee’s music curator, provided the Committee allows him to wear his custom “Aesthetic Judgment” headphones and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “problematic nostalgia for 1999 from the salad bar.”
Newsom’s office called the allegations “the stupidest thing we’ve ever addressed,” prompting Barron to note that “stupidity is the first stage of confession,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of albums the Chili Peppers released that these two definitely own on vinyl, divided by the number of times either man has actually admitted that ‘Under the Bridge’ is overplayed, which is zero.”
