Citizen journalist Nick Shirley announced Thursday the launch of “OPERATION HUNTER LEDGER,” a comprehensive forensic audit of Hunter Biden’s time as a resident of the White House, aimed at calculating “the total financial burden” of the President’s son on the American taxpayer. Shirley, who has already filed 847 Freedom of Information requests for records including everything from “toilet paper usage by weight” to “kilowatt hours consumed during showering,” told supporters that preliminary findings suggest “waste on a scale that would make a Soviet commissar blush.”
The investigation, which Shirley plans to publish as a twelve-part documentary series and accompanying spreadsheet, will examine every expense associated with Hunter Biden’s presence from January 2021 through August 2024, including “amortized carpet depreciation from foot traffic,” “incremental ice cube costs for beverage cooling,” and “atmospheric conditioning required for cigar storage.” Shirley has established a crowdfunding goal of $2.3 million to hire “independent forensic accountants” and purchase “specialized calculator equipment.”
“This is about accountability,” said Joan Berro, a commercial bookkeeper who once balanced the books for a vape shop and now consults on “residential offspring expenditure analysis.” “Hunter Biden. In the White House. For years. Eating. Showering. Breathing. I’ve calculated expenses. Thousands. None involved presidential children. But I’ve seen receipts. For energy drinks. Very suspicious. The deductions don’t lie. And neither do the ice cubes. Which are expensive. To make. In bulk.”
The “ice cube” calculation, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, is particularly damning. “Six cubes per drink,” Benja explained, adjusting his mask. “Times three drinks per day. Times 1,460 days. Equals… a lot. Of cubes. Of frozen water. Which requires electricity. From the grid. Which is failing. Because of Hunter. I’ve seen ice. In X-rays. Of patients. Who chew it. Very damaging. To enamel. And budgets.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully disputed a utility bill in 2019 and now consults on “executive family forensic accounting,” analyzed Shirley’s methodology. “Foot traffic,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “On carpet. In the White House. Which is old. From 1800s. Very valuable. Hunter walked on it. With shoes. I’ve walked on carpet. In shoes. Causing wear. Which is depreciation. Which is loss. Of value. For America. The threads don’t lie. And neither do the footsteps. Which I counted. From photos. On Instagram.”
Barron has offered to serve as lead accountant, provided Shirley allows him to wear his custom “Hunter Expense Tracker” visor and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “wasteful spending from the salad bar.”
The White House called the investigation “a obsessive waste of time and donor money,” prompting Barron to note that “obsession is the first stage of discovery,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of Supreme Court justices who will never hear this case, divided by the number of actual Americans who believe Hunter Biden’s ice cube consumption is a pressing national issue, which is unfortunately not zero.”
