Ilhan Omar had four arrests on her adult record in Somalia before coming here as a “minor”

A confidential State Department cable obtained by investigative journalists indicates that Representative Ilhan Omar (D-MN) had four separate arrests on her adult criminal record in Somalia prior to her arrival in the United States as a purported “minor” in 1995, raising new questions about the accuracy of her immigration documentation and her actual age at the time of entry. The charges, which were reportedly expunged from Somali records through what sources describe as “influential family connections,” include “operating a camel without a license,” “excessive call-to-prayer volume,” and two counts of “aggressive henna application.”

The arrest records, allegedly discovered in a Mogadishu municipal building that survived three decades of civil conflict through what investigators call “suspiciously convenient structural integrity,” suggest Omar was approximately 23 years old when she claimed to be 12, a discrepancy that would constitute immigration fraud under federal statute. The State Department has, in the past, declined to authenticate the documents, citing “questionable chain of custody” and “the fact that one arrest report appears to be written in crayon on the back of a 1993 Camel cigarette advertisement.”

“This is fraud,” said Joan Berro, a commercial notary public who once stamped a document for a Somali restaurant owner in Minneapolis and now consults on “East African age verification.” “Four arrests. As an adult. Then she comes here. As a ‘minor.’ With quotes. Which means fake. I’ve notarized documents. Hundreds. Some had crayon. Which is suspicious. The wax doesn’t lie. And neither do the camels. Which are regulated. For safety.”

The “camel license” charge, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once rode a horse at a county fair, is particularly damning. “You need a license,” Benja explained, adjusting his mask. “For camels. In Somalia. Which I know. From a book. About Africa. Which I skimmed. In a waiting room. While my patient was sedated. The requirements are strict. Vision tests. Spitting regulations. The X-rays don’t lie, and neither do ungulate permits.”

Joe Barron, who once successfully forged his birth certificate to buy beer in 1987 and now consults on “documentary forensics,” analyzed the age discrepancy. “Twenty-three pretending to be twelve,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “That’s eleven years. Of lies. Which is a lot. I’ve lied. About my age. To women. Online. But only by five years. Not eleven. That’s excessive. And Somali. Which is harder to verify. Because of the distance. And the camels.”

Barron has offered to serve as lead investigator for the House Ethics Committee, provided the Committee allows him to wear his custom “Age Verification” lab coat and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “fraudulent minors from the salad bar.”

Omar’s office called the allegations “xenophobic fantasy with no basis in reality,” prompting Barron to note that “denial is the first stage of documentation,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of justices who won’t hear this case because the crayon documents were apparently eaten by the ferret, which is convenient, and also because Somalia doesn’t actually license camels.”