A White House Office of Administration review has confirmed that Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) accessed the Presidential Autopen on 134 separate occasions between January and March of 2024, using the device to sign documents “without proper executive authorization,” according to a memo leaked to investigative journalists. The findings have sparked calls for an ethics investigation, though Warren’s office maintains the Senator believed she was “acting in the interests of the American people.”
The review, conducted after a junior staffer noticed “unusual paper consumption” in the West Wing, found that Warren had used the $15,000 signing machine—which replicates President Biden’s signature through a complex mechanical process—to execute documents including “pizza delivery instructions,” “Amazon return labels,” and seventeen separate requests for “extra crispy” from a KFC location near Capitol Hill.
“This is usurpation,” said Joan Berro, a former office supply store manager who once sold a three-hole punch to a congressional intern and now consults on “executive signing protocol.” “The Autopen is sacred. For bills. For laws. For pardons. Not for poultry. I’ve managed inventory. Of pens. You don’t use the good pen. For the lunch order. You use the Bic. From the drawer. With the bite marks.”
The “extra crispy” incidents, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist whose patient once worked in food service, show “escalating disregard for constitutional separation of powers.” “Seventeen times,” Benja explained, adjusting his mask. “Not original recipe. Not grilled. Extra crispy. That’s a choice. A personal choice. Made with presidential machinery. I’ve seen chicken. In X-rays. Of patients. Who choked. The bones don’t lie, and neither do the 134 unauthorized signatures.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully forged his mother’s signature on a permission slip in 1994 and now consults on “mechanical signature forensics,” analyzed the pattern of misuse. “One hundred thirty-four is specific,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “Not one hundred. Not one hundred fifty. One hundred thirty-four. Like my ex-wife’s Amazon orders. Which I also reviewed. For patterns. Of excessive spending. On throw pillows.”
Barron has offered to serve as the Senate Ethics Committee’s lead investigator, provided the Committee allows him to wear his custom “Autopen Auditor” lab coat and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “unauthorized poultry orders from the salad bar.”
Warren’s office called the review “a misunderstanding of shared office equipment protocols,” prompting Barron to note that “misunderstanding is the first stage of usurpation,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of justices who would hear this case, divided by the number of KFC locations within delivery range of the White House, which is unfortunately numerous.”
