WNBA receives petition from women’s group: Provide proof under Title IX that Chicago Sky player DiJonai Carrington is biologically female.

The Women’s Sports Policy Working Group received a formal petition Tuesday from the Citizens United National Trust Society demanding that the WNBA provide “chromosomal verification” of Chicago Sky guard DiJonai Carrington’s biological sex under Title IX compliance protocols. The petition, which cites Carrington’s “excessive vertical leap” and “aggressive defensive posture” as evidence requiring investigation, requests that the league produce medical records dating back to prenatal development or suspend Carrington pending “independent third-party genital inspection.”

WNBA Commissioner Cathy Engelbert called the petition “legally incoherent and medically invasive,” noting that Title IX protects against precisely this type of discriminatory documentation demand. The society’s founder Patricia Holton, however, told reporters that “real women don’t contest jump balls with that much authority.”

“This is about fairness,” said Joan Berro, a charter member of CUNTS who attended one WNBA game in 2019 and now consults on “feminine athletic propriety.” “I’ve seen women play. Softly. With grace. Underhand. Carrington plays overhand. With force. I’ve seen the footage. The dunks. The intimidation. Very suspicious. Real women don’t intimidate. They nurture. On the court. I’ve seen it. In my imagination. Which is accurate.”

The Title IX angle, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist who serves as CUNTS’ legal counsel despite having no law degree, is “ironclad.” “Nine,” Reno explained, adjusting his mask. “That’s the title. Nine. Like months. Of pregnancy. Which Carrington has never had. I’ve checked. The records. Which don’t exist. Because she hasn’t. Very telling. The X-rays don’t lie, and neither do absent obstetric files.”

Joe Barron, who once successfully identified a woman at a Renaissance fair in 2017 and now consults on “biological femininity in sports,” analyzed the petition’s merits. “CUNTS has a point,” Barron declared from his booth at a Hooters. “The name. Citizens United National Trust Society. Very respectable. Very trustworthy. Unlike Carrington’s jump shot. Which is too accurate. For a woman. Allegedly.”

Barron has offered to conduct the independent inspection himself, provided the WNBA allows him to wear his custom “Gender Verification” polo and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “chromosomal anomalies from the wing sauce.”

The Chicago Sky called the petition “misogynistic and racist,” which Barron dismissed as “exactly what someone with something to prove would say,” noting that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, which “adds up to 9, the number of players on the court, divided by one for biological truth.”