David DePape, the 42-year-old convicted of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon after breaking into the Pelosi residence with a hammer, duct tape, and zip ties in October 2022, now claims through his new attorney that he and Paul Pelosi were involved in a “passionate, secret love affair” that spanned three years.

“We have text messages,” said DePape’s attorney, Randall Wilkins, at a press conference held in the parking lot of a closed-down Circuit City. “We have receipts from romantic dinners. We have a shared Netflix account. This was not a random attack. This was a lover’s quarrel that got out of hand.”

According to Gary, a sandwich artist at the Subway near the courthouse who has been following the case “religiously” through a Facebook group, the evidence is compelling. “I saw the screenshots,” Gary said, wiping mayonnaise from his apron. “They’re blurry, obviously, because they were taken on a phone, of a phone, of a printed-out email, but you can clearly see someone named ‘P’ sending heart emojis to someone named ‘D.’ That’s Paul and David. It’s obvious. The government doesn’t want you to know that this was just a domestic dispute between two men who loved each other very much, and also that one of them brought a hammer to the other’s house at 2 AM.”

The theory gained further credibility when Joe Barron, who once delivered packages to the Pacific Heights neighborhood in 2019 and now identifies as a “relationship forensics expert,” analyzed the security footage from the night of the attack. Barron, reached at his current place of employment at a vape shop in Sacramento, claims he has enhanced the audio using “professional-grade software” he downloaded from a Reddit thread.

“You can hear it if you slow it down to 0.25 speed and reverse it,” Barron explained, adjusting his Bluetooth earpiece. “Paul says ‘David, we talked about this.’ That’s not something you say to an intruder. That’s something you say to a lover who showed up unannounced. I’ve been in three relationships, all of them complicated, and I can tell you: that’s couples talk. Also, the hammer was clearly symbolic. Of their love. Which was built on a solid foundation, but also, you know, sometimes needed repairs.”

Barron has compiled a timeline of the alleged relationship based on public records, astrological charts, and “vibes.” He claims the two men first met at a hardware store in Berkeley in 2019, where DePape was buying rope “for a woodworking project” and Pelosi was “definitely there buying something, probably for their future home together.”

“People will say this is crazy,” Barron continued, exhaling a cloud of mango-scented vapor. “But ask yourself: why was the security system disabled? Because Paul wanted David to come in. Why was Paul in his underwear? Because he was expecting company. Why was there a hammer? Because they were going to hang pictures. Together. Of their memories. The hammer was love. The zip ties were love. The duct tape was love. Everything is love if you’re brave enough to see it.”

The San Francisco Police Department has declined to comment on the new allegations, which Wilkins says is “proof they’re covering up the greatest romance of our time.” When asked why DePape told police he was there to “break Nancy’s kneecaps” if this was a romantic visit, Barron produced a whiteboard with a complex diagram involving string and thumbtacks.

“It’s simple,” he said, tracing a line between two photos he printed from Google Images. “He was going to propose. To Paul. By breaking Nancy’s kneecaps. As a metaphor. For how she was breaking their hearts by keeping them apart. It’s actually very romantic when you think about it. Like Romeo and Juliet, but with more blunt force trauma.”

Nancy Pelosi’s office released a statement calling the allegations “categorically false and deeply offensive,” which Barron said is “exactly what a mother-in-law who didn’t approve of the relationship would say.”