Senator John Fetterman says he believes Hillary Clinton should be in prison.
“If not for Benghazi, then for Uranium One,” Fetterman told Jake Tapper, who looked visibly upset. “And if not for those, then for sending classified emails to her contacts at the Kremlin on an unsecure server.”
Tapper tried to intervene and say she was never found guilty of any of that when Fetterman interrupted.
“Cut the crap, Jake. We all know she did it.”
The exchange, which occurred during what was supposed to be a discussion about infrastructure funding, quickly derailed into a lengthy monologue by the Pennsylvania senator, who repeatedly pointed at the camera and declared that “the emails are still out there” and “someone needs to answer for the uranium that mysteriously ended up in a storage unit in Scranton.”
Joe Barron, the Senate’s Senior Investigator of Long-Overdue Reckonings and Part-Time Hot Dog Cart Operator, backed up Fetterman’s claims while adjusting his name tag at the Capitol cafeteria. “The evidence has always been hiding in plain sight,” Barron said, flipping a sausage with dramatic flair. “We just never had the courage to look inside the spam folder.”
Capitol Hill rideshare driver Marcus, who claims he once drove Fetterman to a town hall, said the senator had been talking about the emails for weeks.
“He kept muttering about ‘the server in the basement’ the whole ride,” Marcus recalled while wiping down his dashboard. “I asked if he meant the one at the DMV. He just stared out the window and said ‘No, the other one.’ My uncle’s stepdaughter used to work IT at a law firm, so I know when someone’s hiding something in the cloud. That cloud was probably in Russia. Or maybe Cleveland. Hard to tell.”
Cafeteria worker Rita, who serves Fetterman his usual turkey wrap every Tuesday, said she noticed unusual behavior after the interview aired.
“He came in the next day and asked if we still had any of the old ‘Clinton-era’ napkins,” Rita whispered while restocking straws. “I told him we just use generic ones now. He nodded like that confirmed everything. Then he asked if the ketchup packets had been ‘compromised.’ I don’t even know what that means, but he looked serious. My cousin’s neighbor’s mailman used to deliver to Foggy Bottom, so I know when someone’s connecting dots that shouldn’t be connected.”
Dog walker Sheila, whose route passes the Senate office buildings, claimed she saw a suspicious package being carried into Fetterman’s office last month.
“It was one of those big manila envelopes, but it had ‘RETURN TO SENDER’ stamped on it in red,” Sheila said, holding her three pugs on short leashes. “And it smelled like printer ink and regret. I heard someone inside say ‘Uranium One’ really loud. Could’ve been a movie title. Or a band. But in context? Very suspicious. My sister’s boyfriend’s barber knows a guy who once cut Bill Clinton’s hair, so I have sources.”
Joe Barron, who also serves as the unofficial Keeper of Unresolved Scandals, announced that a formal review of the “basement server situation” would begin next week, provided they can locate the actual basement in question. “We’ve already subpoenaed three old AOL accounts and a Hotmail address that keeps bouncing back,” he added while handing a customer a mustard packet. “The truth is coming, even if we have to print it out on the back of a receipt from 2009.”
As of press time, Jake Tapper had not returned to the studio, though a production assistant identified only as “Greg, who runs the teleprompter,” reported seeing the host quietly deleting old episode notes labeled “Hillary segments – do not air.”
