House Speaker Mike Johnson announced Tuesday that Representative Maxine Waters has one final opportunity to appear in person for a vote before her proxy voting privileges are suspended indefinitely.
“Congresswoman Waters has been relying on a COVID-era proxy rule that Congress agreed was only intended for genuine emergencies,” Johnson told reporters. “The pandemic officially ended years ago, yet somehow Representative Waters experiences a voting emergency every single time Congress convenes.”
Johnson claimed Waters has not physically entered the House chamber in months, leading some lawmakers to quietly wonder whether she has secretly mastered teleportation or simply discovered that voting from the comfort of home is vastly preferable to spending time with Congress.
“If the gentlewoman from California doesn’t appear for the next roll call,” Johnson said, “her voting status will become inactive until she remembers where the Capitol building is.”
House Democrats immediately criticized Johnson’s announcement, arguing that proxy voting remains an important tool for members facing unusual circumstances. They declined to elaborate on exactly what those circumstances might be, although one anonymous aide insisted, “Sometimes Washington traffic is emotionally exhausting.”
Things took an unexpected turn when congressional investigator Joe Barron claimed to have obtained surveillance footage showing someone entering Waters’ office every morning carrying coffee, newspapers, and what appeared to be three dozen crossword puzzle books.
“I can’t prove it was Maxine,” Barron admitted. “The figure was wearing oversized sunglasses, a floppy gardening hat, and carrying a pet iguana dressed like Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. But the resemblance was… impossible to ignore.”
Even stranger were comments from Johnson’s newest confidential source—a DoorDash driver who claimed to have delivered avocado toast to the Capitol every Tuesday for six consecutive months.
“The instructions always said, ‘Leave it outside the hidden bunker beneath the Lincoln portrait,'” the driver explained. “Somebody would slide open a little mail slot, whisper ‘Democracy survives another day,’ grab the bag, and disappear.”
The mystery deepened after a maintenance worker reported hearing what sounded like a full committee meeting taking place inside a supply closet on the fourth floor.
“I heard someone yelling about parliamentary procedure,” the worker said. “Then somebody shouted, ‘Order! Order!’ followed by what sounded like a karaoke version of ‘Sweet Caroline.’ I decided I wasn’t paid enough to investigate.”
Meanwhile, constitutional scholars became alarmed after discovering that the House attendance ledger had accidentally been replaced with a Chuck E. Cheese prize ticket dispenser sometime last spring. Nobody noticed because Congress had continued operating exactly the same way.
Johnson has reportedly instructed House staff to conduct one final attendance check by placing a plate of free donuts in the center aisle before the next vote. If Waters appears within five minutes, her voting privileges will continue. If not, Barron says Congress will replace her proxy vote with a Magic 8 Ball “because statistically it’s already more accurate than cable news predictions.”
At press time, sources confirmed the entire controversy actually occurred on Earth-62, where congressional attendance is monitored by emotional-support squirrels and every procedural dispute must first be reviewed by the Senate’s Committee on Extremely Specific Excuses.
God Bless America.
